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Narcissism: 500 Random and Personal Questions- Page Five
August 2006

401. Do you ever want to get married and have children? When do you see this happening?

Growing up, I always did. That was what you did, what you worked for, what you wanted most: a husband and family to love and to love you and to live for. I thought, after my mom’s and dad’s divorces, that having a lasting marriage and raising children would equal stability and responsibility. After the Boy Wonder debacle, when faced with the hardcore reality of having children, I realized that there was a fuck of a lot more involved than some rosy-pink notion of “love.” I suddenly rethought everything I’d assumed or planned on in terms of marriage and children, and actually was more comfortable with the thought of NOT marrying.

Then I met THTM, and ate my words about that with a big spoon!

402. What's the worst thing you've done to someone you loved?

Inadvertent disrespect via my actions. Like saying or doing something that hurt their feelings. It’s only happened a couple times, but still… damn.

403. What did you do for your 21st birthday?

DumbAss’s mother gave me a surprise party, which was completely spoiled for me by several friends, so I had to pretend I hadn’t “gotten” their not-so-subtle hints and blurted comments and had to act surprised and all that. And while I was really touched that Mother DumbAss made that effort for me, I was also well aware that she was doing it based on how it “looked” to others. And, quite typical, there was DumbAss, not having put forth any effort at all for my birthday, yet taking credit as if he’d done something amazing and special by his mom having the party for me.

That was the year, if I remember correctly, that he had a new car stereo put in the Pimpmobile, and then mentioned to me in passing that he was giving me his old stereo because he thought the one in my car sucked. No, he neither wrapped it, nor had it installed.

Anyway, after the party, a bunch of us went to a club called Confetti’s, where I sipped a drink and DumbAss bitched about how crappy the DJ was, and HE was totally a better DJ, and how the hell did such a crappy DJ get to work in a club, until I finally said, “Why don’t you go ASK him?” Which led to DumbAss striking up an acquaintance with the guy and, a few weeks later, starting to come into the club during odd hours to DJ himself. Then he got a job there. You’re welcome, DumbAss.

404. How old were you when you first got drunk? What was the experience like?

I got the tipsiest I’ve ever been on our last night in Tokyo, and ended up first record shopping for J.Pop in Shinjuku, then at the bar from Lost in Translation (where we drank some more), and then, when that closed, at a karaoke place where I belted out “Stand By Your Man” at 2 in the morning, while THTM and Geoff played tambourine as backup. (That was after Geoff serenaded us with a traditional Japanese folk song, and THTM -- accompanied by Geoff on tambourine, natch -- yodeled his way through Nine Inch Nails' "Starfucker.")

405. Do you drink on any kind of regular basis?

No. I can’t handle my booze at all, and don’t see the fun in being drunk anyway. I mean, if you need the crutch of “getting buzzed” all the time in social situations, that ain’t mentally healthy. I’ve never actually been drunk… just tipsy about a half-dozen times. Plus, when one takes Zoloft, alcohol ain’t the best thing for you.

406. What kind of alcohol do you prefer?

Good red wines, or clear stuff like vodka.

407. Have you ever tried any other kind of "mood altering" substance? Which one(s)? What did you think of each?

I’ve been so firmly against anything of the sort – and generally have bad reactions to stuff like codeine – that I’d never done any drug stronger than a prescription Ambien. But the last time I went to the dentist and had to have a crown put on, I got the Nitrous, and… WOW! That shit rocked! I told my dentist that in a few years, they were gonna find me in a gutter, clutching a helium tank I’d stolen from a party store, mumbling something about how “it all started when I got this crown put on in 2005….”

408. Is it okay for you to cry? When was the last time you cried?

The last time I cried, really sobbed, was when I was telling my EMDR therapist about the night I had Mouse put to sleep. And yes, it’s fucking okay for me to cry, gawddammit! In my previous life, my “don’t let the sun catch you crying” life, my friends had never seen me cry, never seen me upset. I remember the night my great-grandma died, my boss/friend at Domino’s Pizza wouldn’t let me have the night off, and kept making comments about “your granny croaking” and I was stifling tears and anger and pretending it was all really cute and funny of him, because I certainly couldn’t, you know, be UPSET about all that, now, could I? And how dare I be so selfish when there were pizzas to be made! But now? I can cry and do freely in front of my family and friends, just as they can with me.

409. What do you think is wrong with MOST people, overall?

They suck. They’re selfish jerks. We all are. We want our burgers NOW, and NO ONIONS! How DARE this store be closed? That light is green and YOU ARE BLOCKING ME WHEN I WANT TO DRIVE! UNACCEPTABLE! WHY ISN’T MY DINNER HERE YET?! I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE BUSY! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT NOW!

410. What is the thing that has frightened you most? Do you think there is anything out there that's scarier than that? What do you think that would be?

The period of time when I thought I was losing my mind, where I felt that “going crazy” was an actual place, and I was about to cross over into it. The panic attacks, especially the first one, which was caused by a reaction to medication in the hospital. But I’m sure it would be even more terrifying to be faced with death and/or torture without release. To be constantly in the face of death. Or pain. Or both.

411. How ticklish are you? Where are you ticklish?

I’m very ticklish, all over. The bottoms of my feet, especially.

412. What time period do you wish you had lived in? Why? (Looking at this as an attempt to change history doesn't count.) What appeals to you about this era?

Late 1800s, early 1900s. Or early Jazz era in Paris. I love the literature, obviously, as well as the music and fashions. There were so many rapid changes, and a kind of sense that anything could happen… which was both good and bad, obviously. Plus there were a lot of challenges to the Victorian mentality that’d pervaded things for so long. It’d be a kick to be part of that.

413. How private of a person are you? Why?

Fairly private. I mean, I don’t have a problem discussing certain things openly and honestly, but, on the other hand, I’m not going to regale everyone with intimate blow-by-blow (no pun intended) details of my sex life, bodily functions, and neuroses, live and in person.

414. If you were to gain an obscenely large sum of money (via an inheritance, a lawsuit, a lottery, or anything else) what would you do with it?

Or via stock investments…? I’d help my family and friends, which is exactly what I’m doing. And buy books and music without thought, travel a lot, and invest more.

415. What would you wish for if you found a genie?

World peace. Wouldn’t you? I already have everything I need and then some.

416. What do you do when you are bored?

I’m rarely bored. There’s always something to read, listen to, write, or think about.

417. What is the most frightening potential handicap or disfigurement you can conceive of? What makes it so frightening?

Anything that involves losing my mind/cognitive abilities. Anything that makes me… not me anymore.

418. If your man or woman served you breakfast in bed as a treat what would you want?

Oooh, but he has, many times! I always get awesome hot chocolate. Sometimes I get egg-burrito concoctions. Sometimes I get pancakes or waffles (with cinnamon syrup), or scones, or fresh fruit.

I always get kisses, which are the tastiest part!

419. Name a group of people:


420. How many of them does it take to screw in a light bulb?

About twelve: two to screw in the light bulb and giggle about it, while the others all bitch about the way they’re screwing in the light bulb, that they’re giggling while screwing in the light bulb, what they’re wearing while screwing in the light bulb, that they know that one of the screwees is batshit crazy and once stole John Taylor’s collection of paperclips and made a necklace out of it, and they know this because so-and-so who talks to Andy on her Ouija Board confirmed it, and the other screwee is SO not a good fan because she wouldn’t give that one roadie’s girlfriend’s brother a blow job to get backstage passes, and screwing in light bulbs is what STUPID Durannies do anyway, and how stupid the screwees are for screwing in the light bulb in the first place, because THEY would NEVER screw in a LIGHT BULB, and they’re gonna send Simon an email telling him so, so ha!

And then three of them would shove the screwees out of the way to get to the light bulb themselves, despite what they’d just said.

This is why most of my Durannie friends and I stay out of the various online fandoms. We’re feral Durannies!

421. Do you like the movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie and some muppets?

I never saw the whole thing. Does that really surprise anyone?

422. Do you like the movie The Dark Crystal?

Never saw that one, either. Are these, like, Important Cultural Touchstones for People Who Fill Out Huge Questionnaires?

423. Metallica or Guns N' Roses?

It pains me to say this, but… Metallica, all the way. I despise Axl Rose’s voice that much!

424. What are the most beautiful words that have ever been spoken to you?

For one, our wedding ceremony. We wrote it ourselves, very carefully, and made some intense promises to each other, ourselves, and our families. But The Husband-Type Man says so many incredibly beautiful and sincere things to me, like “I love life with you!”

425. Have you ever read your own writing at a poetry reading?

No. I can’t write poetry. I’ve only written two… for a Creative Writing class I took once. I had to read them out loud in class… that doesn’t count as an actual “poetry reading” does it? I’m more likely to host the readings than contribute.

426. What is one simple thing that gives you the happy shivers?

One thing? I can think of dozens! But one? THTM’s kisses and cuddles. He’s so genuinely loving. We make out a lot.

427. What insects are you afraid of?

Anything that can bite or sting. Anything gross or crunchy.

428. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?

A picture of C’est FUBAR Michael Jackson, with the caption: “ANYONE can be a child molester.”

I’d get Simon Le Bon a t-shirt that says “I’m With Stupid” and has an arrow pointing at his dick.

429. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?

I had a pair of jeans that I’d write on. It started because I needed to write down a verse of poetry, and didn’t have anyplace else. So I wrote it on my jeans. And just started writing all sorts of stuff on them. I had a gorgeous crushed-velvet wrap-around shirt with white silk batwing sleeves… very Renaissance/Juliet. I had a Juliet-cap hat that I’d wear with it… black velvet trimmed with pearls. I had a Sparklets Water shirt that said “Otis” on it. I had a white dress that looked like a Victorian schoolgirl’s, and I’d wear it with lace-up black boots, black tights, and my hair in curls and tied back with a big black ribbon. I had any number of vintage dresses, and used to wear this turquoise chiffon one with a pillbox hat and pearls. Ditto the yellow brocade dress with the round collar. I still wear plaid blazers and weird hats and old jewelry. I still wear a pair of brocade silver flats circa the 1960s that I found in Gram’s storage shed. I have some reproduction Victorian clothing, and, as mentioned previously, wear my bloomers and petticoat around the house.

430. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?

Either cheese or ice cream.

431. What are your parents interested in?

Mom likes reading, music – especially DooWop and, to my eternal dismay, c(o)untry – Disney stuff, browsing antique stores and little trinkets-and-stuff shops, musicals, Ireland, and she’s recently started more sewing and needlepoint craft stuff, which is awesome. My Dumb Dad is interested in finding someone to listen to his Poor Me shtick, whining, not taking responsibility for anything ever, feeling sorry for himself, making excuses, and rewriting history. Gram watches a lot of telly, smokes, plays pocket Keno (or goes to the Indian casinos to play Keno) and helps people.

432. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?

One of my earliest memories is of catching a butterfly and putting it in a jar when I was about 4, to keep it as a pet. But I didn’t know you had to punch air holes in the lid of the jar…. "The killing jar" indeed.

433. Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?

No, but I loved books about stuff like that when I was a kid. Karana’s wild dog in Island of the Blue Dolphins, Sam’s falcon in My Side of the Mountain…. Plus I always had a secret yen to have a pet skunk. De-skunked, of course.

434. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

For me, finally, they’ve become the same thing.

435. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?

When I’m not zonked by school stress and stuff. Like when I have the time to really wind down and focus inward and regain my perspective.

436. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?

My Taser gun, a tent like we had in Africa with lots of zippers and locks, and dinner.

437. Have you ever lost something and never found it?

My engagement ring, which bums me out to this day. It got lost/stolen when we moved from New York. I also have a small box of single earrings, just in case, 20 years later, the other one shows up.

438. Do you listen to any talk radio shows?

I listen to NPR in the car sometimes, but lately have had trouble stomaching any kind of news. Loveline is no fun without Adam.

439. Have you ever fired a gun?

No, nor have I actually Tasered someone with my Taser. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t.

440. Who do you trust more, your friends or your parents?

I trust my friends as much as I trust Mom and Gram.

441. Would you ever date someone outside of your race or religion?

Yes to race. As for religion, as long as they weren’t fundamental about whatever religion it was, I’d consider it.

442. What can you talk about for hours?

My literary areas of interest. Pop culture. Music.

443. Do you talk about yourself, other people, or ideas the most?

Dude, it’s all mixed up together.

444. Are you a fan of The Legend of Zelda games?

No, but I love the name Zelda. Too bad it has nutty-wife-of-Scotty-Fitzgerald connotations

445. What old movie would you go see if it were re-released in the movie theaters?

I go to as many old movies as I do new ones.

446. Have you ever left a mean unsigned note?

It’s possible, but I don’t remember for certain. Prolly something like someone who parked in front of my driveway or blocked my car or somesuch.

447. Do you think it’s cheesy to paste things you didn’t write into your diary?

I’m assuming, by the nature of this quiz, that they mean online diaries, but I don’t have one of those. But yes, I do put things I didn’t write into my own diaries… namely, poetry. In fact, I went through a period of about 6 months where I just couldn’t even find words of my own, and wrote down other peoples’ poems to communicate and express what I was feeling. Lots of Dickinson, Millay, Akhmatova. Lots of Leonard Cohen lyrics.

448. What are three things that you try not to think about?

Death, losing those I love, and the current state of the government.

449. Is casual sex acceptable for you?

Not for me. I tried it with Boy Wonder, and… yeesh. I need to know a person well before I can have sex with him. It’s intimacy.

450. What form of sexual protection do you use?

Condoms. Every. Single. Time. I can’t take the Pill regularly, but do have a stash of MAPs in my nightstand drawer.

451. What is expected of you that you feel is unnatural or not right?

Being a “housewife”… or any kind of traditional “post-feminist backlash” wife, I guess. It always throws me when someone asks me about where I buy my husband’s clothes (Buy his clothes?!) or how many times a week I cook him dinner or does he “let” me go out with my friends or do I “let” him go out with his, or how can I deny him children, or what do I mean “he does his own ironing” or anything else that implies that I froth over showing My Husband how loving and committed to him I am via all things domestic such as whiter-than-white-whites and folding his t-shirts and vacuuming, and he is just a big, dumb oaf who sits around on the couch drinking beer after his hard day at work earning money for me to run his house. I’m not his mother, his housekeeper, his guardian or his baby; I’m his partner.

452. Do you sometimes place your own expectations on other people?


453. Do you sometimes act overeager to make friends when you are around strangers?

Quite the opposite. I’ve been told I seem cold, aloof or snotty sometimes because I’m very reserved around people at first.

454. Do you have a quick wit?

Medium. Sugie’s, however, is rapid-fire and wicked!

455. Do you believe in the phrase ‘fuck political correctness’?

No, and as I’m writing in my Postfem Blather, I think the notion of what was perceived as “politically correct” (and the perspective that it was “nitpicky”) versus what is ACTUAL HUMAN DECENCY is part of the primary problem with our society today. Saying it is “politically correct” to call someone “African American” or that you can’t call someone at work “hon” because of all that “political correctness stuff” misrepresents and belies the actual problems at work. But I’ll get to all that elsewhere.

456. Do you have strong opinions and beliefs?

*eye roll*

457. If yes, can you still hang out with and be friends with people who disagree with you?

Absolutely! I enjoy debates (good-hearted ones) about stuff, and people with differing opinions only expand and enlighten. Just because I think one thing doesn’t mean you can’t think another thing.

458. Are you uptight?

Fuck yes!

459. Do you sometimes do risky things?

Yes. But, while not risky in general, like skateboarding down a hill or cliff-diving, they’re risky for me because they challenge my personal fears and usual comfort zone.

460. Could just about anyone hold your interest in a conversation for at least ten minutes?


461. Do you enjoy everything from clubs to museums to movies to ice skating… as long as you’re doing SOMETHING?

I enjoy being quiet often, too, but “an object at rest tends to stay at rest,” so I try to get out just to keep from stagnating at times. My mind is always doing something.

462. What is Kevin Smith’s best movie?

I’ve never seen a Kevin Smith movie. Again, you surprised?

463. Where do you like to go on Friday or Saturday nights?

Home. Or if I’m in a going-out mood, out to a groovy restaurant with friends.

464. Do you often feel like other people are judging you?

Too often.

465. What do you think other people judge you to be like?

A snob. Narrow-minded. Cold. Aloof. A freak. Stupid.

466. Are you quick to judge others?

Sometimes. But I’ve also learned to trust my instincts; I finally listen to that voice in my head that goes “Eyuuuuch!” when I meet someone. Every time I tried to ignore it, it proved to be right after all.

467. When you have a fight with someone do you want to talk about it right away or calm down first and then talk?

Usually calm down. I’ve even said a couple times, “Look, I’m agitated and angry and likely to say something hurtful. I need to take a breather.”

468. Some say love is a river (according to the old song). What do you say love is?

Never having to say you’re sorry? Kisses in a bean bag chair, the moment that I climb the stairs? Higher than a mountain, thicker than water? Paranoid?

Actually, I’ll go with 1 Corinthians for this one: “Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense.” I’m no fan of St. Paul, but he was spot on with this, and it took me a long time to fully understand and believe it.

469. What is the worst fault a person can have?

Extreme selfishness.

470. Do you have it?

Yes, everyone does to varying degrees. Haven’t we already discussed this before, too?

471. Which do you think has more impact on a person’s character, genetics or environment?

Environment, although I think genetics is an important factor as well. Which is part of the reason why I’m scared shitless to Breed; it’s kinda a crapshoot.

472. Who have you read a biography about?

In my line of work…? I’ve read hundreds of ‘em. In fact, some of my favorite books are the Reynolds biographies on Hemingway.

473. What would your own autobiography be called?

Hm. It’s more wishful thinking, but: “She Dealt Her Pretty Words Like Blades.”

474. What do you feel controlled by?

My insecurities and fears. Hence, therapy.

475. What is one thing you are sure of?

That everything happened just the way it was meant to.

476. At what part of the day do you feel the most alert?

Morning. And I usually get a second wind after dinner.

477. Have you ever stared into the ocean thinking 'early creatures crawled outta that'?

Not really, but I will.

478. If not, what do you think of when you are staring into the ocean?

Usually “I’m on the edge of a continent,” “The waves are both wildly irregular and incredibly regular at the same time” and “Ahhhhh….”

479. If you didn't know that people couldn't fly do you think that you could?

No. But I used to try when I was little. I hoped that if I really really REALLY believed that THIS TIME I could do it, it might happen.

480. Are you someone that others call when they're having a problem and want to talk about it?

I will happily be there for friends and family if they need to talk or cry, but I’m not the Fixer that I used to be. I don’t want to give advice or make suggestions or be the Benevolent Helper that both my Mom and Gram are. And I noticed that as soon as I stopped being the one who would Help and Take Care of Everyone, I started having much healthier friendships. So yes, my friends can and do call me when they’re having a problem and want to talk, just like I do with them. But I’m not friends anymore with people who are ALWAYS in crisis and ALWAYS needing to call with problems… and who don’t reciprocate.

481. When it comes to literature, do you see beyond the writing and into the meaning intended by the author?

*major eye roll*

482. If there was a god and you could ask him/her one question what would it be?


483. Are you in touch with the earth and nature?

Not as much as I’d like to be. I need more time to really settle down and remember those connections more often. But I am very much aware of the feel of the air, the cycles of the moon, the smells of what’s growing outside, the vibrations and palpitations. I just don’t… plug into it as much as I need to or should.

484. Would you rather live simply or extravagantly?

Extravagantly. Actually, I think I mean a more “not settling for less” approach.

485. Can you think of three adjectives that do not apply to you at all?

Cocky, simple, casual.

486. Are you very active?

No, but I’m getting better. I go to the gym several times a week, which I hate in theory, but am beginning to enjoy in practice; getting my body moving and sweaty is strangely satisfying, and feeling my muscles strengthen and just shutting down the brain and being purely physical for a while is incredible. Most of my work involves sitting and reading or writing. Most of my hobbies involve the same. So I’m making quite an effort to get off my ass, take more walks, stretch, move, and enjoy my physical essence.

487. Is there a city that reminds you of the landscape of your brain?

I actually had to ponder this question for days before I could find a satisfactory answer, and I think it’s London. ( Chicago ran a close second, but it’s too flat). London is crammed with old and new all over the place, has an entire other city underground, has places that’re insanely busy, places that are elegant, places that are seedy, places that are sublime and peaceful. It’s entrenched in history, self-reflexive, contradictory, exhilarating, exhausting, and can be a hundred different things at the same time. And that is much like the landscape of my brain.

488. Have you ever loved someone who has loved you back?

The greatest joy of my life is being wholly in love with my equal partner, who wholly loves me back just as much. That was what I always wanted and hoped for, and thought (and was told) that it was unrealistic.

489. Is it really being 'in love with' someone if the other person doesn't love you?

I guess, if you want to look at it that way. You can love/care about someone who doesn’t love you back, but it’s not a love relationship, obviously.

490. Do you believe that there is someone perfect for everyone or that people just fall in love with who ever they are with at the time?

I don’t believe in “soulmates,” if that’s what the “someone perfect for everyone” means. No, I don’t think there is one, ONLY ONE, perfect ideal magical predestined seminally linked person for someone. I do think certain people are drawn or brought together for certain reasons, and that in that sense they are “meant” to be together. But I also think lots of people “settle” for whoever they’re with at the time because they think they’re supposed to.

491. Do you know secret things?

Lots and lots. On the fun side of things, I have Durans’ email addresses and house addresses, and often find out from friends who are friends of the band about their recording schedules and songs and infighting and breakdowns and that sort of thing.

492. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have?

No. I was never actually in love with Boy Wonder. And even though it had its problems, my relationship with DumbAss taught me a hell of a lot, so I certainly can’t say I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him.

493. How do you overcome your fears?

The aforementioned fuckload of therapy and introspection!

494. What can you do better than anyone you know?

Make pig-oink noises. (Shut up!)

495. Does it seem to you like the range of socially acceptable behavior is getting smaller or larger?


496. Are human beings becoming more domesticated?

Well, no shit! We buy pre-cut salads in bags now because we can’t even handle the work of chopping up the lettuce. Actually, I think it’s specifically Americans who are becoming more domesticated: pre-prepared meals all the time, zoning out in front of flickering screens for entertainment, primarily sedentary. We suck.

497. Do you follow the lives of the British Royal Family?

Sorta kinda. I will admit to really loving Princess Diana, even though I was aware of her flaws and all that. I was heartbroken when she died. Wills isn’t as hot as he used to be. Bummer.

498. How did the death of Pope John Paul II affect you?

It made me very happy, actually. While I can respect that he was a well-educated man, blah blah blah, I think it was incredibly horrid when he insisted on praying for the poor priests who were being accused of molestation… but didn’t say a word about, oh, THE VICTIMS OF THE MOLESTATION. Obviously, I have problems with the Catholic Church and its ideologies.

499. Are people becoming more afraid of each other?

On the contrary, I think they’re becoming more rude and belligerent and confrontational.

500. Who or what needs to be stopped?

OUR FUCKING GOVERNMENT! Especially the Terrible Two currently in charge.

(If you made it through this whole fucking thing, congrats and thank you. Now go have a drink!)




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