Wow. I mean, after this, there’s only one more left. One more Rant. Gads.

Anyway, before I dive into Ranting about last week’s episode, I first have to congratulate the winner of last week’s Rant Contest. Victoria [no, no, not THAT "Victoria"... she claims she lives in Virginia!] sent me, like, a ten-page screenplay that I had the misfortune of downloading and reading on my lunch break at work... and, man, *snarf*ing at work – with a mouthful of leftover Chinese food, no less – is really unprofessional. Not to mention undignified. Congrats, Victoria! And her episode is posted under "Ideas for the Very Last 90210" section for all to admire!

Personally, I’m still predicting that Val’s gonna announce she and Brandon are in luuuuv... you know, because that whole Brandon vs. Dylan thing has to be TOTALLY put to rest before Kelly and Dylan can Live Happily Ever After. I’m also hoping that everyone’ll hafta move out of Casa Non-Walsh, too. I mean, that seems the most logical thing to happen. But goodness knows if we can squeeze in all that other silly little stuff when we have the Most Important Thing – that is, Donna-Tori’s Ego Fuck-Fest, the Bridal version. I’ve also heard a strange rumor that Jason Priestly IS in the final episode... but isn’t playing Brandon. So maybe Dylan will be paying a visit to some German jeweler- God, that had to be one of the all-time lowest moments in a show that has had an amazingly high percentage of low moments.

But of course we have to kick off this week’s show with the Remember Motif; this week it’s Kelly wetly chirping "Remember the POOOOL?" And then we get to see Baby Kelly and Baby Dylan playing water games before Old Kelly coos "I’ll never forget it!" Because, in case we hadn’t noticed in, like, the last two years, KELLY AND DYLAN ARE SOULMATES WHO ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! But, after all, if we’re doing the whole Soulmate-themed Remembrances, I’m surprised it isn’t ANOTHER Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest Pre-Marital Version, with Tori-Donna saying all ooey-gooey, "Remember the dance...?" or "Remember college graduation...?" and forcing us to suffer through the combined pain of either Davy dancing and then Donna proclaiming her like for him, or a couple slo-mo shots of graduation followed by Donna clad in grody lingerie preparing to offer up her Pure Virginal Self to Davy with a barrage of icky, tongue-lurching kissing. I, personally, think that "Remember the forged check...?" or "Remember the Drunken, Drugged Rages?" or "Remember the Powerman 500 video...?" would be more accurate.... I mean, if you were to make a top-ten list of the ACTUAL most memorable 90210 moments- Say....

Anyway, so after the persistent assault of "last week on 90210" scenes, we finally cut to the chase with Donna stumbling into the Peach Pit, looking like a rodeo clown with her arms all rag-doll-floppy and her exaggerated expression of fatigue. And Nat – carrying a plate instead of the usual coffee-pot – says "Hey Donna" and then goes, all concerned, "You look stressed." You know, Nat REALLY cares about those Hillster Kids... especially Donna. He’s so kind and attentive and paternal (well, the three times we’ve seen him this year, at least).... And Donna goes all fake-exhaustedly in a voice that drops in pitch at the end of each sentence to show how, like, stressed she is, "Hey Nat.... Work’s a disaster! I’m swamped!" But really, how swamped can Donna be if she has time to drive to the Peach Pit, ORDER A FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE TO GO, and then go to the store, when there’s a perfectly good coffee stand RIGHT OUTSIDE HER DOOR?! So Nat, looking all Deeply Concerned, offers to fetch Donna’s coffee. And then Davy swaggers his BAGgy-assed belligerent self over to ask Donna "What’s wrong?" Because Davy really cares about Donna. See? See how concerned he is for her well-being? He must REALLY love her! I mean, he asked her about her FEELINGS! And Donna sighs and huffs and tells Davy how Laborious life is for her and its ALL Davy’s fault because he made Camille miserable by breaking up with her! Wah! Naughty Davy! And Donna tells Davy that Camille’s been "completely worthless" (nice!) so Donna "told her to take the week off." Uh huh. And Davy, the sweetheart, growls "Well she’ll get over it." Because he REALLY LOVES DONNA! He’s not being an asshole selfish dickhead about Camille! He’s being IN LOVE WITH DONNA! And then Davy grumbles about Mitch (the Computer Guy) "holding [him] completely responsible for the way [Donna] burned him." And Donna tries to look sweet and modest but just looks smug and says "That’s ridiculous." Which it is, because Donna supposedly dumped Mitch because he was too Scheduling for her... no one ever said anything about Davy. So why would Mitch hold Davy responsible? I guess it’s because Donna and Davy’s Love is soooo tangible that the whole wide world can feel it! Maybe we should send Donna and Davy to the inner cities to promote peace? Maybe we should have them go on tour as the Spokescouple of Love? Maybe we should put them in bed together in some hotel in Canada for their honeymoon, and videotape it and send copies to the Middle East and to Cuba and Miami and to Sarajevo and to select parts of Africa and South America! And Davy can write a rap song to commemorate the occasion about love and peace and Donna! Right?

And then Davy complains that Mitch reneged on the Macy Gray tickets he promised him. Get it? Because Donna and Davy try to say good-bye and choke... try to walk away and stumble... it’s clear... the world crumbles WHEN THEY AREN’T NEAR EACH OTHER! And then Nat comes back for a THIRD time to ask AGAIN if Poor Donna is all right. I guess by this time Nat has been demoted from being the jolly Hillster Den Father to now existing solely for the purpose of making gratuitous Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest comments. And then Davy chides Donna for not caring about the fact that he didn’t get his tickets and backstage passes, and Donna laughs and goes all sarcastically a la Mediarama, "Yeah. Imagine that. Me not putting your needs first!" And Davy responses, with NO irony whatsoever, "I know, I was a little disappointed." But don’t get your hopes up, folks, because then Donna IMMEDIATLY puts Davy’s needs first by offering "I’ll make it up to ya, how about dinner and a movie?" I’m not sure if she’s "making up" the lost tickets or the fact that she didn’t put Davy’s needs first. And who needs to worry about any of that silly stuff like boundaries or transitioning from a relationship or thinking back on what’s happened or even just showing some respect for the feelings of the recently dumped girlfriend/business partner-friend or any of that crap when you can, like, IMMEDIATLY do date-like things with your ex! And they debate the whole dinner/movie thing, deciding that Donna can pick the restaurant with Davy’s stipulation being "No Thai" and Davy can pick the movie with Donna’s stipulation being "No subtitles." Because Donna and Davy are soooo sophisticated, aren’t they? And Davy goes "You’re a pain, you know that?" And Donna chirps "I know!" And then they beam all goonily at each other as Donna takes a perky pretend sip from her empty giant coffee-to-go cup.

And then out back, Kelly and LawyerBoy drive up in some green convertible that I don’t think we’ve ever seen either of them in before. So maybe this is what LB treated himself to after that whole repo thing, huh? Anyhow, he and Kelly are discussing some job offer he got. In Seattle. Sound familiar? I thought so. I mean, really... they couldn’t at least come up with A NEW CITY for Faux Brandon to go to? And of COURSE, as if the repeated "Matt’s a lucky guy" dealie wasn’t enough, this is, like, even more conclusive proof that Kelly and LB are on their last legs of Coupledom, because we all know that NO ONE EVER LEAVES HOTEL-BEVERLY HILLS 90210-CALIFORNIA! And Kelly and Matt, who I guess don’t have to bother with yucky stuff like going to work today but can instead go to the Peach Pit for a nice homey breakfast, are making contrived dialogue about LB’s job offer and the old college friend blah blah blah. And Kelly’s kinda pissy, thinking that maybe LB was actually pursuing the job offer without her knowledge, and needs to clarify that the friend "called you... out of the blue?" because "big decisions" are things they need to talk about together. Uh huh. Like when LB wanted to donate sperm and you told him, "no, you can’t do this!" Kelly? Anyway, LB starts mawing all over Kelly and proclaiming "When you get righteous like this its a big, big turn on, it is!" Hello. Shout-out. The Kelly being [self]-righteous bit, that is….

And then Dylan comes a-brooding out the big steel back door in time to see Kelly and LB mackin’ down on each other. And that, of course, makes him Brood even more and push past them with a brusque "Excuse me." And wouldn’t Dylan, like, try to hide the fact that he’s in love with Kelly and she’s engaged to marry someone else? I mean, not just because being all Angst-Ridden like that lacks dignity and most people wouldn’t be that obvious about their feelings (especially not some so-called mysterious and sensitive Rebel Man like Dylan McKay), but because someone who gloats as much as Kelly does shouldn’t have this much fodder for her ego. And then Kelly, filled to the brim with narcissism, chirps for Dylan to "wait!" because "we want to talk to you!" Oh, God... don’t let LB ask Dylan to be his best man, please.... But no, it’s that "we’ve set a date. For our wedding." And LB chimes in "August 12th. We’re telling everyone now so you can set aside the day." And Dylan rasps all brusquely that he has a dentist appointment that afternoon. Because here at 90210, they don’t go in for subtlety. And Kelly snips "Dylan, I WANT you to be there!" (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) And LB insincerely adds "We both do!" I mean, guys, why not ask Dylan to give Kelly away, why doncha? And Dylan rasps "I’ll see what I can do." Because he might be, like, climbing K2 or riding his motorcycle ‘cross-country with a cat in a carrier on the back or hunting down mafiosi or something. You know Dylan. So Dylan drives off, brooding the whole while. And LB goes "Well! He was enthusiastic." Like, what did you expect, Chumley? And Kelly stares after Dylan, gloating in that "Ha ha, ex-boyfriend, I’m getting married and YOU’RE not and you missed your big opportunity with me so nyah nyah nyah!" way before grabbing LB and chirping "C’mon! Let’s go tell everybody!" Because 1) I’m sure "everybody" you need to tell is in the Peach Pit, and to heck with, like, telling your parents. And 2) I’m sure they all RIIILLLY wanna know!

And this week’s opening music isn’t anything shlocky about love, but is a song about "she goes boom boom boom, she annihilates me" and "I go crazy".... So maybe we can look forward to a Melrosian bomb going off at the Barbie Dreamhouse Wedding? Or at the very least, Elbetrah going nuts because she "doesn’t handle pressure!!!" and running Noah over with his Jeep... and taking out a couple Hillsters along with him, too. Or maybe the "crazy" and "annihilation" and "boom boom boom" stuff is setting us up for the beyond-unreal horrors of some businessman talking to Skeevy Stevie Sanders about his favorite Beverly Beat Me With A Hard, Heavy Object’s stories... like "the rabbit that rose from the dead," which Stevie has to insist is "true, every bit of it, true!" And it comes as no surprise to me that, once again, Stevie believes his own rationalizing self-hype. But, oh, even worse, the businessman says "But my personal favorite has GOT to be the Leprechaun of Beverly Hills!" Yeah, you remembered that "all time low moments" thing that I mentioned earlier...? And then Stevie proudly introduces the author of that most-compelling and surely publish-worthy bit of, ahem, "journalism" (where, in this world, "journalism" means "collection, writing, editing, and dissemination of complete and utter BULLSHIT through the media" ... which I guess isn’t all too different from our comments here on the Boards... or my intentions with dwanollah.com either....): Janet. And not only have these two dolts who lack any basic social, cultural and intellectual awareness of any kind supposedly been writing and publishing a very successful tabloid, but this dude in his Banana Republic suit is SO impressed with the paper that he’s come with an offer of $750,000 to buy it. There’s one catch. Janet’s included… because she’s SUCH an amazing author that The Beat wouldn’t be The Beat without Janet. And gosh, what a moralistic quandary for the Sanders family this is! And, a few questions first. Okay. Why can’t Stevie pronounce his own wife’s name? He calls her "Sosna" with a long o... sorta like how he called "Hannah" "Honnah" when Ohndrea came to visit. And how can this business dude "consolidate management" if there’s only one person managing the paper (i.e. Stevie) and business dude wants to fire him? Why is there this big dilemma about Janet staying on the paper? I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it’s the old 90210 pet plot about Hillster Loyalty, and Janet, in her new, improved capacity as Stevie’s New Brandon can’t POSSIBLY be expected do to anything without Stevie there, but still.... And last, how deus ex machina is this whole plot anyway?

And over at Now Wretch This, Kelly’s there doing Soulmate Propaganda, telling Donna about how "happy" she and Davy looked this morning at the Peach Pit. And Donna splits hairs and says "No, you said we looked HAPPY TOGETHER!" complete with hand motion. (cue the music, because Donna and Davy can’t see loving nobody but each other... for all their liiiiives!) Because, high school-like, if they "look happy together" or "make SUCH a cute couple!" or "just really seem to belong together" or whatever, then they MUST be MEANT to be together forever and ever and will live happily ever after and all that. And Kelly goes "It wasn’t an accusation!" and is berating Donna for not "telling him how [she] feel[s]" because "now he’s free!" Yeah, because the emotionally healthy thing, mere DAYS after he’s ended a relationship, is to latch back onto him and tell him how much you LOOOOVE him. And Donna Does Comedy by changing the subject all nervously, just like she did last week, to some magazine with bridesmaids’ dresses in it. And, oh, uch, I’m having Blue Nightmare visions of Donna in that awful dress split up to THERE at Kelly and Brandon’s Non-Wedding Wedding. But Dr. Kelly, Know-It-All, says "Did you hear what I said?" And Donna takes a deep breath and goes in her breathy little-girl voice, "Yes. You think I should risk ruining a very important friendship on a rebound affair." And Kelly huffs and pouts and admits "Maybe we should stick to dresses." Oh, girls, but where is your faith in the Powah of Luuuuuve? But Donna sighs and announces she’s "gonna go get some coffee." Because I guess the Peach Pit is merely a stop for that necessary Morning Commute Cuppa...?

And as she chugs out of the store, Donna runs into Felice. And if we ever needed any proof that our ass-kicking, manipulating, micro-managing, overly-critical denizen of the Beverly Hills Wives has turned into merely another vehicle of the Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest, then the fact that Felice and her "KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!" designer matron wardrobe-wearin’ self has supposedly ordered a skirt from Donna’s clothing store is the definitive touch. I mean, Felice? In some trendy Indian print thing? Layered pink chiffon with beads? A mini-wrap? Huh? But, anyway... Felice has come down to talk to Donna and announce that she’s selling their mansion. Hm. I thought for sure the gala wedding reception would be held there (because we couldn’t expect Princess Donna to have a reception at the Peach Pit or PPAD, or any of the other Typical Hillster Places, could we?)... well, I guess we’re off to the country club, then, huh? And Donna wants to know "where would you go?!" and Felice says "I don’t know...a condo, or an apartment." And, scandalized, Donna goes "AN APARTMENT?!" And Felice goes, with mild un-Felice-ness, "Well YOU live in an apartment." And, oh dear, I see it now... Donna’s going to buy the Martin Mansion and she and Davy will live happily ever after there in her childhood home, and Felice will move into Dysfunction Junction, and-

Noah. Elbetrah. Jeep. Noah claiming that Elbetra somehow has some "right" to her daughter because she’s now "committed" to recovery. Yeah. Less than a month into it, and I’m sure pulling a pre-schooler from her secure and stable home with Gramma to live with a mommy who freaks out at stuff like the first day of work and a mixed-up phone call, or is dumb enough to invite some guy to spend the night with her on the first night they meet, or manages to get kicked out of her apartment and just... moves into her car, all spinelessly "I give up"-like is THE SMART AND RESPONSIBLE AND LOVING THING TO DO FOR THAT CHILD! As if the kid isn’t going to have enough problems already. And the worst part of this whole thing is Noah suddenly thinking he can analyze Elbetrah’s problems: "Okay, whydyadrink? ...See, Isayisoutaguilt. Yknow,yrguilty...’cosyrnotabetterMom. So jus’beinCaitlin’slife, th’guilt’llgoaway. [mumble mumble something incomprehensible] temptation. Trus’ me." Oh, yeah, that’ll make EVERYTHING ALL BETTER, won’t it?! And Noah kinda pinches Elbetrah’s chin all patronizingly, because, yeah, he’s got ALL the answers! But the bottom line, Noah, is this is all at the risk of a child! I mean, how SICK is Noah’s rationale, anyway?

I’m always going to be deeply bitter that Noah Hunter didn’t die a slow and painful and violent death.

And over at the utterly boring, utterly has-been PPAD, Janet and Stevie are – Maddie-less, natch – drinking beers and discussing the pluses and minuses of this big three-quarters-of-a-million-dollar offer for the paper. And the pluses include "More money... more time with Maddie" (notice the money came first) and, as Janet chimes in, "More time for you to come up with your next Genius Venture!" Because she ain’t nuthin’ but the woman behind the man, is she? And yeah, turning a newspaper into a tabloid and investing in an old friend’s Internet clothing store are really the marks of business genius. And then Stevie goes into the "minuses" which are "less time together, more work for you, and this whole Mr. Mom thing for me." Um. Why is it Mr. Mom? WHY ISN’T IT JUST DAD?! The two parental figures here aren’t "Mom" and "Mr. Mom," Stevie, you big, stupid lunk! And Janet protests that "I thought more time with Maddie was on the plus side?" And Stevie whines that "it’s balanced against this whole image of me wearing an apron in the family...." Who the hell does Stevie think he is, Fred Flintstone? I mean, I waiting for him to pull out the so-called "logic" that my dumb dad once pulled on me, about how "men go out and hunt and women stay home and tend the fire. That’s how it’s been since the beginning of time." I proceeded to first calmly debunk his gross sexism as deeply disrespectful to his own wife, to me, and to every other woman in the world, and then offered up a number of examples of primitive and not-so-primitive societies and cultures in which the woman was traditionally the hunter or the breadwinner and the men were the home-makers, both in the literal sense that they constructed them, as well as in sense that they stayed home with the children. And Janet has to assure Stevie of his senior role in the family because "But honey, you big, strong, superior male, we wouldn’t even be considering this offer if it wasn’t for YOU! The tabloid was YOUR idea! The... [SHOUT-OUT!] cheesiness... the horrifically invasive profiles.... If it were up to me, we’d still be doing emotionally honest, factually correct, objectively interesting stories." I mean, why doesn’t Janet just say "Golly-gee, I NEVER could’ve come up with all those good, smart, savvy ideas like YOU did, Stevie! And honesty and integrity is just SO boring! That must be why Kelly didn’t marry Brandon-" But I’m getting ahead of myself... And I guess then 90210 isn’t going to ever say we "went too far" in our parodies and criticisms and complaints and sometimes just plain mean-spiritedness here on the boards about their show and all the characters and the actors personally, huh? I mean, I try very hard – with a few exceptions – to stick to bashing on the characters, not the actors, because I don’t know them. I certainly can’t say that Jennie Garth is as selfish and snotty as Kelly Taylor or that Vincent Young is as incredibly stupid as Noah Hunter (although psychoanalyzing Donna-Tori is far too rich for me to resist!).... But if what Janet says is true, then, why, I have every right to be as inaccurate and nasty and invasive and dishonest and completely lacking in any kind of professional integrity whatsoever in my writing (here and elsewhere)! So when The Mister takes us all to court for saying bad things about his daughter, or someone from the show complains that the people here "were sometimes cruel" in the things that we said about the show, why, they don’t have a leg to stand on, huh? Anyway, Janet continues, "Because of YOU, our circulation tripled! Because of YOU, we have a shot at being financially secure! I’d say you did right by us!" Actually, Janet, the financial security thing is because of Stevie’s daddy, hon. And, see, we’re supposed to think that, by futzing around for a couple years at the paper Daddy gave him after college graduation and by marrying the girl he knocked up, Stevie Sanders is now a responsible adult that "does right." So they decide to sell the paper and see what happens, and "because sales like these take a long time," if they don’t like what’s going on, then they’ll just back out of the sale. And, in a story that I’ll expand on at a later time, The Husband-Type Man’s place of business is being sold, and, I hate to break it to Stevie and Janet, but you can’t just "back out" of the sale without legal and/or financial repercussions.

And then Dylan shows up and stomps over to the table where Kelly and LawyerBoy are sitting, and makes bitter, ironic comments about how he’s "cleared the day" and "the happy day" is "circled in red" on his calendar. And again, why is Distant, Flippant Rebel-Man Dylan McKay suddenly making it obvious to both Kelly and LawyerBoy about how unhappy he is about their pending nuptials? Anyway, he has a special wedding gift for the happy couple... "something I know you’ve [that is, Kelly] always wanted to do... and who knows, maybe you’ll [that is, LawyerBoy] like it too." And he throws down a pair of plane tickets and stomps off. And somehow, a pair of open-ended plane tickets (no info about hotels or itinerary or anything else equal, as Kelly translates with pissy Kelly irony, "a trip around the world!" And LB goes "Is this something you want?" And Kelly pouts and baby-talks "It was. Once. But not any more" and coos and puckers at LB with her rosebud lips and leans forward to kiss her husband-to-be, because, say it with me, folks, KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!

And over at the oh-so-aptly named Dysfunction Junction, Donna is sitting all slumped on the couch wearing a spankin’ new denim jacket and announcing to Davy "My mom is selling her house" in her sad, pathetic little girl whisper. And Davy, because he’s so kind and good to Donna and cares about her so much, goes "Wow. You wanna talk about it?" And Donna whines some morebefore finally saying "I just feel like if she sells the house I’m going to lose part of my childhood... [and talking over Davy to continue] I have all these moments there...." which include her daddy putting up a swing for her (more like supervising the latest wetback gardener/handyman putting up the swing, knowing the Martins) and daddy "turning the attic into this giant playroom" (which, I’m sure included magic wand and everything, given to how Donna-Tori rhapsodizes about her daddy) and, finally, how her mom decorates for Christmas. Yup, she and Davy’ll be moving in any day now, huh? And there’re some really bad cuts where one second Donna has her mouth hanging open and the next second it’s closed. And Davy makes some mocking comment about "Felice’s tree selection" never being very "restrained" (with accompanying hand gesture). And Donna laughs that Felice always said "The taller the tree, the closer the angel is to heaven!" Whaa? Well, gosh, in my house it was always "The more expensive the Christmas decorations, the better the Christmas... and the family having it!" And then Davy makes some acerbic comment about the "ridiculously amazing ornaments," which might refer to Donna-Tori’s boobies, huh? But Donna laughs again and whispers that they "were all homemade!" Felice? Felice Martin and homemade Christmas ornaments? I’m sure Donna meant to say handmade, you know, hand-blown glass things and stuff that’s been delicately crafted by artisans in remote European mountain villages and stuff like that. But no... according to Donna, Felice Martin actually had "a clothespin reindeer" that Donna made. Aw. Because Felice Martin would never sacrifice her child’s kindergarten artistic talents for an elegant and cohesive tree decoration scheme, I’m sure. Is the Real Felice Martin being held captive on some distant planet along with the Real Janet and even the original Real Kelly...? And Davy sits there, bored, while Donna whines. And then Donna says in her Little Girl Whisper that she "just hate[s] the thought of not spending another Christmas in that house...." And the only Christmas I remember Donna spending there was when she came stomping down the stairs to accuse Felice of trying to pay off Ray Pruit. And Davy, being the kind and loving and supportive guy that he is, suggests they just "stay here" and "order pizza" and "channel-surf"... maybe hoping that if he’s super-sympathetic and nice, he can manage to get a hand-job from Donna out of the deal later. And Donna beams like a three-year-old child whose absentee parent has finally shown up to pay a bit of attention to her, and announces "two conditions!" One, which Davy (because he’s so tuned in to Donna’s personality and quirks) knows right away is that Donna gets control of the remote. And two... Donna suddenly gets all pensive and needy again and giggles and then says in her breathy Little Girl Whisper, "I would just like to sit, this way, for a little while." Side by side on the couch, you mean? Because that’s the way you’re sitting, Donna. But Davy, again, soooo in tune to Donna’s needs, kisses her forehead and then puts his arm around her so that she can lean against his scrawny chest and look like she’s found a bit of that childhood home-like feeling in Davy Silver. Which I think is what the writers want us to think. And if that’s true, than that makes Donna and Davy’s marriage even more of a dysfunctional emotionally unbalanced and psychologically disturbing sham than just the original rush-to-the-alter-two-weeks-after-breaking-up-with-others would imply.

And over at Casa Skeevy, Stevie’s lecturing Maddie on "what adults call the power breakfast! We have Cocoa-Nuts, we have heavily buttered toast, and we have [Dwanollah’s favorite!] chocolate-chip muffins!" And Maddie goes "All those carbohydrates are going straight to your gut, fat guy. Now quit denigrating me and make me a fruit smoothie!" And Janet comes in, takes a muffin, and coos "Thank you!" Then she hands Stevie a list, and turns to Maddie and goo-goos "Is Daddy going to fill you up with empty calories today?" And Maddie goes "Well, Ma, you know Dad: empty calories, empty head... along with the usual empty values and shallow, piss-poor parenting attempts. Not even a chocolate-chip muffin is going to ease the pain of an entire day with the King of the Losers, here. Can’t I go to the office with you, Ma, and work on my article about ‘10 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Baby’ instead?" But Stevie interrupts, reading the list Janet’s handed him in a tone of Great Dismay. "Pick up dry-cleaning... drop film off to be developed..." and Janet amends the list because she needs "floss... I like the unwaxed mint variety!" and makes a notation on the list. And Stevie gives her a Look and goes, "Are you sure you haven’t forgotten anything? Oh, no, look, #14, Castrate Husband!" Which immediately lands my list of the Most Offensive Things 90210 Has Said and Done Ever In The Show’s History. Assholes. And, God help us, because after that castration comment, Janet the BJNW doesn’t even make any of her Characteristic Not-So-Veiled Barbs, much less tell Stevie how immature and irresponsible he is for saying such a thing. No. Janet just understandingly says "Steve, we agreed to try this. But if at any time before the sale you feel like your masculinity is being threatened, we just drop out!" Uh... uhhhh.... And Maddie pipes up, "Hey, morons? If doing the daily things entailed in taking care of one’s own household and offspring is somehow ‘compromising his masculinity’, then I think it’s kinda a sign that Pa here’s not much of a man to begin with!" And, really, I mean, who did all this shit for Stevie BEFORE Janet came along, huh? Oh. Wait. I’m remembering the early days at The Beat, and I suddenly realize that Janet’s done this for Stevie – and Brandon – since the very beginning. Stupid Janet. And Janet the BJNW just mildly points out "spit-up" on Stevie’s shoulder. Sorry, guys, I didn’t realize I hurled that far after that whole castration comment. And Steve scowls at Janet "Don’t you have some bacon to bring home?" And then Janet asks all concerned if "you’re sure you’re gonna be okay?" And Stevie goes all Mighty Elephant, "Yeah, a little wind surfing, maybe some batting cages later...." And Janet coos to Maddie "Bye, punkin!" And Maddie calls out "Don’t forget to call the lawyer about my new parents, Ma, please!" as Janet hustles out the door.

And over at Dysfunction Junction, sun is filtering in through the closed shades on the entwined figures of Donna and Davy... sleeping together on the couch. Okay. I mean, my best, oldest friend, Number One, is a guy, and we’ve shared a lot of heavy stuff over the almost 15 years that we’ve been friends, "gone through a lot together," to use a Hillsterism. But, I’m sorry, sleeping together like that is just too, too intimate. Soulmates or not, Donna and Davy have some major emotional and psychological problems in their relationship! And Donna stirs, and clings to Davy like one of those baby monkeys with the substitute cloth mother doll in that study done ‘way back when. And neither of them pulls away or acts the least bit uneasy about the fact that they’re all limb-entangled on the couch; no, actually, Donna just gazes up at Davy with her Little Girl Lost expression, and when Davy goes "Hey," Donna breathes "Morning," in her little-girl whisper, blinking up at him guilelessly a couple more times... JUST IN CASE WE- Okay, I know. You get it. And Donna makes Sticky Lip Twitches and asks in her Little Girl Whisper, "How’d you sleep?" And Davy mumbles "Okay. Considering I didn’t have much space." Which I think is the greatest Hillster meta-statement of all time, since, like, he and Donna will be GETTING MARRIED TWO WEEKS AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH ANOTHER GIRL AND ALL! And Donna is all nestling back down on Davy’s chest, like, I know they’re Soulmates and all, but I ask again, WHAT FRIENDS ACT LIKE THIS?! I love Number One and all, but you just don’t sleep all holding each other and pressed up against each other and with your legs all entwined with a friend. And Davy mumbles "Didja stay up for the whole movie?" And Donna giggles some more and nestles against Davy’s chest some more with her hand petting him and everything and says "No but I stayed up longer than you did!" So I guess they can’t pretend like they just sort of... ended up sleeping all intimately cuddling on the couch like that. And then Davy goes "Did I ever tell you why I didn’t take that job in New York?" And Donna nestles some more and snuggles some more and blinks some more and then sits up a little, all vampily tossing her head back and sliding her arm around Davy and rolling on him, as if this is some smarmy post-coital scene on a soap opera, and then props her chin on Davy’s chest and goes "No you didn’t." And Davy confesses that "The more I thought about what I’d miss... by moving... the more I thought about you." And Donna’s staring into Davy’s eyes and says in her sticky little girl whisper "Well I’m glad you stayed." And Davy goes "Really?" And Donna goes "Yeah." And then they start doing that slow lean toward each other. But suddenly Donna pulls away and sits up, and looks downcast. And Davy goes "What?" And I go "Morning breath." And Donna makes a Serious Face says in her Little Girl Whisper "We can’t do this. Not yet. Not ... not without really thinking this through." And considering that she’s just spent the whole night sleeping with Davy, entwined like lovers, and then just spent the last five minutes nestling intimately on his chest and basically insinuating herself into his personal space, it’s pretty ludicrous for her to suddenly be all shy and demure. Unless, like, Donna’s playing her version of The Rules, because her goal is to get a ring on her finger.... So she poses herself all decorously, looking at Davy over one bare shoulder as she pretends that things’re going too fast. And Davy goes "Awright. Well let’s think about it." Which translates and "I’ve got a case of Morning Chubby, so cut to the quick, am I going to get laid or not?" And Donna continues to bait-and-switch, and wants to know "How much do you need my friendship right now?" And Davy scratches and gives what he hopes is the right answer: "A lot." And Donna continues in her Little Girl voice, "Because I am completely dependent on our friendship. For everything." Gee Donna, we never woulda guessed. But she continues, "I mean, you’re my go-to person. For everything. Dating trauma and work problems...." ‘Cos yeah, that’s the same thing as a love relationship, innit? "And when my dad died, [Hillster Truism!] I don’t think I could’ve made it without you!" Uh huh, those three days it took you to get over your dad’s death musta been really hard. And this whole time, Davy’s rolling his eyes and scratching his head, and he finally goes "And one kiss would change that?" Which is pretty revealing in terms of how Davy sees Donna and their potential relationship: i.e. instant gratification/immediacy/no thoughts for tomorrow or a week from now.... But Donna doesn’t notice. Or else she’s REALLY playing this Rules Game for all it’s worth. And she makes that Sticky Lips Smile Moue Face and says in her Little Girl Whisper "Maybe not... maybe it would make things better. But it would be a lot ... riskier and... if us being together didn’t work out....." And Davy goes "You’re right, then us being friends wouldn’t work out either...." And Donna whispers all sadly "Not for a while, anyway." Why’re they so worried about risking their "friendship" by getting back together? It’s not like they haven’t already done it, what, four times already...? And Donna continues to whisper "And I don’t want to risk losing that... not even for a day!" And Davy resigns himself to the fact that he’s not getting laid, not this morning anyway, and kisses Donna on the cheek all chastely and starts putting on his shoes, while Donna continues to pose modestly and look at Davy with that Sad, Pathetic Little Girl expression.

What could be lamer than Noah and Elbetrah? Try this one on for size: Noah sucking up to Elbetrah’s mother and Elbetrah’s daughter... Noah being all patronizing and jovial and laughing and trying to play with Caitlin at some playground park while Elbetrah and her mother fight in the background. Yucky.

And over at the Peach Pit, despite being totally busy with the store, Donna’s had time to meet Kelly there FOR THE SECOND DAY IN A ROW to hand her a bridal magazine and go "How fabulous would I look in THAT?" Well, hon, as long as it covers up your cavern... which, sadly, your scoop-necked black shirt here is NOT doing.... And Kelly goes "I have an idea! Wear it to the wedding, tell David how you feel, and maybe it will end your career as a bridesmaid!" And I have a couple ideas myself! First, Kelly, fuck of! And second, if Donna has a career as a bridesmaid, isn’t it YOUR fault for fiancé-hopping all over the place?! And third if all, Kelly, you are SO 1952 with your I Want A Husband bullshit! Get a life! So Donna explains that they DID talk and they DO feel the same but they’re "friends... and we just want to keep it that way." And Kelly goes, "Okay, THAT is messed up!" because she can’t fathom being friends with a boy when you could be, like, trying to marry him instead. And Kelly-pie, Donna’nDavy ain’t the only thing.... And Dylan, swaggering over, overhears and goes "What is messed up?" And Kelly goes all sweetly-snippily "Your gift to me and Matt. A trip around the world. Isn’t that just SO sweet." And Donna AGAIN Does Comedy, blathering "I have this sudden urge for cherry pie now, cherry, I want cherry, ‘scuse me!" which I guess must be a metaphor for re-claiming her virginity by not having sex with Davy until they’re properly wed or something. You know, like a do-over. So Dylan takes Donna’s vacated seat in front of her untouched piece of lemon meringue pie... the second piece of prop pie in as many episodes, in fact. Good try, guys, but we aren’t convinced that Donna actually eats, so donate the prop pie to the homeless or something, where it might do some good. So anyway, Kelly gives Dylan a talking-too about the trip thingie: "I thought we were past all this. After that whole thing with your dad, it seemed like we were finally just friends." Whatever, Kelly. And I’ll say to you the same thing that I’ve said to Dylan: you’re supposedly THIS aware of your so-called "relationship" with Dylan, yet are involved with and planning to marry LawyerBoy anyway? Can they, like, take away your BA in Psychology, huh? And Dylan rasps all broodingly-ironically that "You’re just very difficult to shop for." And Kelly goes, "If it was meant as some sort of reminder of the ‘good old days,’ they weren’t so good." Well FINALLY someone admits it! And Dylan rasps "I think we both know better than that.... But it was meant as a gift. And if you’re reading any more into it than that, it should be tellin’ you something." Riiiight. THAT'S it! Oh, Dylan. You sensitive rebel man with the soul of a philosopher! Hold me! Love me! Make me your woman! And Kelly manages to combine smug "I’m getting MARRIED"-ness with Quintessential Kelly Snippiness and tells Dylan "It does. That we would both be better off if you left me alone!" And she makes a bitchy smile before flouncing away. And ouch! Dylan heaves a big, pained, jilted rebel man sigh of great broodingness....

And over at the Homeslice House, Stevie’s shown up, frazzled to the max after about six hours of this penis-shriveling baby-care sissy girl stuff. And he hands Maddie to Davy, going "Take her, take her!" and groaning and making faces. And Davy goes "This isn’t a dirty diaper moment, is it, Steve?" doubtless bemoaning the fact that his latest order from the infantalism web site hasn’t sent him his shipment of adult-size fetish baby-wear.... And Stevie declares dramatically that it’s "Worse! I’ve been to the cleaners, the hardware store, the grocery store... TWICE! I’ve changed her three times, I put her shoes back on six times, and I wrenched my back getting her out of her car seat!" Boy, Stevie, daily life sure is tough, huh? You shouldn’t be expected to have to deal with all this, you poor thing. And he didn’t even have to do any cleaning or laundry or combine all this stuff with work or school. And then Stevie makes a really loud, obnoxious groan and plops himself on Davy’s couch. And Maddie, dangling in Davy’s arms, goes "Geez, Dad, and you say *I* whine and cry! Now tell Heigh-ho Silver here to PUT ME DOWN!" And Davy whispers to Maddie "And I thought YOU were the baby in the family." And Maddie goes "Hey, Sparky, don’t forget my mom. She’s pretty juvenile too, you know." And Stevie starts playing switchies on the telly and complaining and Davy wants the run-down on why Stevie isn’t at work.... Yeah, scintillating stuff. And Stevie discovers some black-and-white slapschtick thing with two Charlie Chaplin-looking waiter-guys wearing aprons and swinging brooms at each other. See? Henpecked house-hubbies erupt in violence but it’s not really violence but COMEDY! Ha. Ha. Ha. And Stevie goes "Ah, finally something educational!" And Davy, like he actually has any room to make moralistic observations (unlike me, mind), goes "Oh, her first exposure to violence on TV, this is a proud moment." And then... then Stevie announces that Janet (because that’s what girls do) wants to fix Davy up with someone who’s "perfect for you!" And Davy, in a major Dwanollah shout-out, goes "There’s no such thing as perfect." And we can’t see this plot coming, can we? And then, Davy, who’s supposedly soooo in love with Donna (and doesn’t realize the totally obvious) finally goes for the bait and says "Awright, how perfect?" Blerg.

And over at Dysfunction Junction, it’s nighttime, so of COURSE Kelly and Donna are dressed in their respective Totally Cute and Stylish At-Home Lounge-Wear. And yeah, those tank tops are cute and comfy and all that, but, unfortunately, it prompts yet another Horrific Cavern Shot, what with Donna lying on her bed pretending to read. And Kelly doings in to announce casually "I know it’s none of my business and I know you’re going to do what you want, but if you don’t get together with David I’m going to have to hurt you!" And Donna tee hees and gives her rote: "I told you, our friendship is too important to me to risk." And Kelly huffs in disbelief and goes "On what? Being happy? Honestly I DO not understand your thinking! " And Kelly’s not only hitting heavy on the you-can’t-possibly-be-happy-unless-you-are-one-half-of-a-couple thing, she’s also playing the whole "wouldn’t it be cute if my best friend and my stepbrother got [back] together" game, with not-so-subtle undertones of the "but you BELONG together" b.s. that I remember so well from high school. And Kelly’s flolloped on the bed next to Donna in these big fuzzy white slippers. And Donna turns the subject from her and Davy to Kelly and Dylan, and wants to know if they managed to "straighten things out"... to which Kelly replies "As much as we ever do," and Donna clarifies "Which means not at all." Because game-playing and destructive communication (or lack of communication) is romantic! And Kelly goes "It’s not my fault!" as if the previous statement wasn’t enough to signify her immaturity. And she makes Squonchy Rosebud Lips and claims that "I’m very clear with him about what I want!" (KELLY TAYLOR WANTS THAT!) Because, of COURSE, it’s ALL about what KELLY wants! And, well, she’s been about as clear as a thrice-brewed pot of coffee made with five times the necessary grounds. Especially since she’s supposedly not clear to HERSELF in the first place… which is where a whole plethora of problems began, anyway. And then Donna goes "Were you being clear with him when you PROPOSED three months ago?" And how come neither of these dumb gits find it the least bit problematic that Kelly "proposed" to Dylan when she had just gotten (or was just about to get?) engaged to LawyerBoy? And speaking of problematic... Kelly snips "I did that to push him away!" Kelly? That’s just freakin’ sick and manipulative, you stupid bitch! And Donna, PLEASE cover that up! And Donna goes, "So to do that, you asked him to MARRY you?!" And Kelly rolls her eyes and snips "Is there a POINT here?!" And Donna goes "Yes. Yes. My point is, I like Matt. I LOVE Matt! I want Matt to be your husband! But... I just think that if you and Dylan don’t completely straighten things out, neither of you are going to be truly happy!" And, well, at least Donna didn’t say anything about "closure" or "the ONE!" or "perfect together!" or anything like that. And then Kelly looks and Donna. And Donna smirks at Kelly. And Kelly makes Squonchy Pouty Lips at Donna.

And then... oh, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD- Skeevy Stevie shows up to do a Memory Moment and announces "So, do you remember the gas station girl? ... She was a LOT more than I bargained for!" THE GAS STATION GIRL?! And they actually re-play that horrid, totally-fake-o and unfunny butch voiceover when Stevie pulls out Elle’s falsie, along with the "shaaaa!" and the way-over-the-top screams and all that. I mean, what does it say about the show and the character of Skeevy Stevie that THIS is the "moment" they want us to remember with him?!

And for some reason, five months before the wedding, LawyerBoy AND Kelly are at a tux shop while LB tries one on and says in a Lurch-like voice "Durning... Matt During... attorney-at-law." And of COURSE Kelly has to be there to approve LawyerBoy’s tuxedo, all Bridezilla Control Freak that she is.... That was the kind of double-standard sexist crap about wedding planning that drove me buggy. I mean, no one expects the groom to go along to approve of the bride’s gown, but everyone seems to think that the bride needs to be there to pass judgement on the groomal attire. And I tagged along to the tux shop with The Husband-Type Man because, since I had a best man of my own instead of a maid of honor, I had to see what they had by way of accessories for Number One that would go with the rest of the bridal party. Yet, when we walked in, the saleswoman ignored THTM and glommed onto me. It took about three repetitions from both me and THTM to semi-convince her that THTM was, in fact, her customer, not me, and that THTM was, in fact, perfectly capable of picking out his own groomal attire. So I quickly found the accessories for Number One, and then, at THTM’s request, left the store, because he wanted to surprise me with his groomal outfit just as I wanted to surprise him with my bridal attire. And the saleswoman wasn’t sure that was a good idea. Finally I said "You know, THTM is perfectly capable of picking out his own clothes" and made my escape. But she STILL wasn’t convinced, because when I wandered back in a half-hour later, she kept trying to show me what THTM had selected, asking "Is this all right? Is this okay? Don’t you want to see it? Are you sure?" I mean, PUH-LEEEZE!

And then LB spies a ruffly-shirted tux, which I’ll take as a reference to my stunning collection of lounge music, the theme parties I’ve had in the past, and my general approval of tacky kitsch, because it IS all about me, isn’t it? And Kelly, Bridezilla’d to the max, says all bossily "Don’t even THINK about it!" And LB protests that he could wear a velour tux and serenade her... and he starts singing "Mona Lisa... Mona Lisa..." in this atrociously flat, nasally, atonal voice. And, guys, I’m not kidding – and you have to realize what a huge thing this is to say – but... I think The Husband-Type Man actually sings better than LB. And The Husband-Type Man, well, for all his many excellent qualities, doesn’t exactly have a singing voice that sounds like angels on high.. or even like a pack of wild dogs. And Kelly goes "Or, we can elope... saving you from your peculiar fascination with lounge acts!" And Kelly’s totally off-base here, because the number one place to elope to is, der, Las Vegas. And like we think Kelly’d actually give up the chance to be The Princess Bride and the center of attention and all that. And then LB says that they could elope because "you have the tickets!" And then there’s a Big, Weighty Pause, and Kelly goes "Actually... I gave them back!" And LB wants to know "How did he take it?" And Kelly chirps all smugly "Same as I did five years ago when I turned down his last ‘round-the-world offer!" And that’s the cue for LB to get all reflective and announce that maybe they SHOULD go to Seattle, because "I think we should start over, just us." And surely LB should know by now that even THINKING such a thing is pretty much sealing his fate as Kelly’s Second Jilted Fiancé and will sent her flying back into Dylan’s arms, because no Hillster ever leaves 90210! Seriously.... the Walshes all bailed, but they weren’t REAL Hillsters; they were Minnasotans. And Ohndrea left, but she was a scummy Valley Girl. And Val? Not a real Hillster. Ditto Claire. And Dylan, well, he came back. So LB’s totally signed his own one-way ticket outa Beverly Hills at this point. Anyway, so Kelly says to LB all earnestly that "You do know that you’re asking me to turn my life upside down?" And LB grins and goes "I know." And Kelly goes "I’m not sure I’m ready to do that!" And LB goes "I’m not sure I want you being offered trips around the world every five years!" Issues, guys? Issues? And Kelly weakly protests "It won’t be like that!" And LB actually WHINES "Not if we moooove!" And, um, guys...? I really think you oughta’ve resolved this Dylan thing before GETTING ENGAGED! But what do I know? So Kelly, finally, pouting her ripe-strawberry lips and swallowing a lot and looking downcast and baby-talking, promises LB she’ll think about it. Oh yeah.

Just take the ring off now, Kelly.

Over at Now Wank This, Davy shows up and tells Donna to close the store in the middle of the day so he can go with her to her mom’s house to pack up her stuff. Because, yeah, something like that doesn’t take several days or anything, but can be done in just a coupla hours. On work time.

And... uch. I guess all the Regular Hillsters are too busy reuniting with their Soulmates to do the Saving-an-Other Token Intervention, so Noah’s shown up at Elbetrah’s mother’s dumpy apartment to supposedly meet Elbetrah. And he has the AUDACITY to mumble all innocently about "Thenwhyfighter’boutCaitlin?" and what Elbetrah "deserves" and all that when Elbetrah’s mother expresses her doubts about Elbetrah’s parenting abilities (or lack thereof). Thankfully, Elbetrah’s mother rips off Noah’s head and shits down his neck, as my brother would say, and informs him not only that Elbetrah’s pathetic, but he’s one in a long line of dumb boys who’ve given her this "she’s trying" lecture about her flaky, spineless, utterly lame-ass daughter. And Noah slinks away in defeat.

Can we, like, send Elbetrah’s mother on house calls to visit all the other Hillsters and tell them who’s who and what’s what?

So then Davy pulls up in front of the Martin Mansion in some red SUV, and Donna does a whole bunch of heavy sighing and declaring in her Little Girl Whisper that "I’m not ready for this" so that Davy can say Token Consoling Things like "We’ll be in and out in ten minutes" (TEN MINUTES?! To pack?! It takes me longer than ten minutes to pack a suitcase for an overnight trip, much less my childhood stuff from my childhood home!), which are supposed to convince We the TV Viewers that Davy Silver is a Sensitive Nice Guy. And Donna makes dramatic declarations that she hasn’t "been inside since my dad died." She hasn’t visited her mother since the funeral? Nice daughter. But they got this scene on major spin-cycle, folks, because it turns out Davy’s planned a special surprise for dear, sweet, loveable Donna: one last Christmas at home! Awww.... And we know it’s a Real Christmas, because, yeah, Felice is there, but what really matters is that all the Hillsters are there too! Because why have Christmas with relatives when you can be with your friends? Awww.... And why does no one seem to find it upsetting that they’re having "Christmas" without Doc Martin? Why not mention Donna’s birthday, too? Where did they manage to find a Christmas tree in April? I can’t imagine Felice having a fake tree.... And Donna tee hee hees in delight before Felice solemnly hands Donna some yeah-right-Felice-Martin-would-really-hang-THAT-on-her-tree/yeah-right-Donna-really-made-THAT goofy clothespin reindeer ornament. Awww.... And Donna claims "you didn’t have to do this" and Felice says sweetly "That’s what I kept telling David… but he insisted." Boy. I wish I could’ve heard THAT conversation. And of COURSE Felice is just wetting her tailored trousers over how kindly and benevolent and thoughtful Davy Silver is, because now that she sees what a Nice Guy he is to Donna, she doesn’t care about any of that silly stuff she used to, like him being mentally unstable or coming from a dubious family background with a philandering father. Although why is Felice now sooooo keen on Davy, when only three months ago, Felice was claiming that NOAH was "a keeper"? Whatever. I suspect she’s secretly morphed into Strega Nona, my Sicilian grandmother, who didn’t much care who or what I married, so long as I married. Like when me and DumbAss, the h.s.b.f., finally broke up, Strega Nona complained to my brother that we should’ve gotten married, even if we would’ve broken up, because then "at least [I] would’ve gotten something out of it." Yeah, that’s the ticket. So anyway, Felice beams at Davy and Davy beams at Donna and Donna beams at Davy and Felice beams at Donna beaming at Davy beaming at Donna and Kelly and LawyerBoy and Dylan beam at Felice beaming at Donna beaming at- You know. And then Donna clomps over to the tree, "tee hee hee"ing all the way, to hang the clothespin. Awww.... And Rebel Man Dylan McKay stands apart from this touching family scene, brooding really hard at Kelly and LawyerBoy hanging tinsel. And then Stevie lumbers in – wearing one of those beer hats with the straw attached, but he’s got bottles instead of beer – holding Maddie, who’s decked out in some Minnie Mouse polka-dot dress and reindeer headgear. And Stevie wants to know "What’d I miss?" And Dylan makes caustic, deprecating comments about "the usual group hug" stuff before making caustic, deprecating comments about Stevie’s bottle hat. And Stevie marvels that "Maddie gets her milk and I get to keep my hands free!" Awww.... And Maddie goes "Yeah, for self-love, huh, Daddy? Better make mine Milk of Magnesia. And for God’s sweet sake, Pa, get me OUT of this dorky dress and goofy antler-thing!" So Stevie goes to help decorate the already-decorated tree, while Dylan stands on the sidelines, continuing to Brood. And Donna and Davy are all happy and giggling and LB’s jolly and Kelly’s claiming that "You can’t have a slouching angel!" on the top of the tree. Then Felice, spying Stevie with Maddie, says what we’ve all be thinking "OH, that POOR child!" And everyone giggles some more. Hillster togetherness. Awww.... And then LawyerBoy, since he’s now crossed over to the Dark Side, has to go over to a brooding Dylan to rebuke him for the "obvious" trip around the world thingie instead of "getting us one of those place settings we registered for." They’ve already registered? And the LB goes on to say "Here’s how I figure it. You didn’t tell Kelly about what happened because you care about her and you don’t want to see her hurt... and because you know that she and I are very happy together." So eloquent for an attorney, no? And Dylan goes all caustically "You figured that out all by yourself, huh?" And LB goes on to babble about how that was (Dwanollah Buzzword!) "respectful" but "offering the trip was not." And then he proceeds to rub Dylan’s nose in things a bit more about how he knows "it must be hard for you, you know? It hurts a little bit, having to see me and Kelly around all the time. But... um... we might be moving VERY SOON. And that should make it a little easier for you." And while Dylan deals with this crushing blow, LB announces he’s gonna go get some eggnog, leaving Dylan behind to do what he does best... brood. A lot. Really, really hard.

So then LB and Kelly are walking along the same beach-side park area where Brandon proposed to her, and Kelly’s asking what LB thought of the latest reception place they just saw. And LB grumbles "It’s a room." And Kelly’s pissy that LB didn’t like it, and finally demands "What’s going on?" So, sitting on perhaps the same bench where Brandon proposed to Kelly, LB announces that he didn’t get the job, and that’s why he’s been such an uncommunicative asshole taking his disappointment out on her- Oh, no, actually he says that’s why he hasn’t "been very talkative." Okay. Anyway, LB says that they should move to Seattle anyway. Why? Well, in a major shout-out to me and The Husband-Type Man, "it would be an adventure!" And Kelly protests "But out jobs are here!"

Excuse my while I collapse on the floor in hysterical laughter.

And then LB says "So what? We can find new jobs!" Because I’m sure there are dozens of big Public Relations firms in Seattle that would hire Kelly to write speeches for major political campaigns at the drop of a hat. But Kelly, even though two seconds ago she said she’d move there, thinks that "now it would just be like we’re running away!" But Kelly, then that’d mean LB was JUST LIKE your beloved soulmate Dylan! He’d be exciting! Rebellious! Even a wee bit Angst-Ridden! Think of the chandeliers you could swing from! And LB gets all know-it-all and goes "[Running away] From Dylan?" And Kelly doth protest too much, because she starts spluttering with wet earnestness about "when did this become about Dylan?" So LB drawls, "Oh, lessee, since the day I met him?" And Kelly continues to wetly protest "You have this idea of him, of him and me, this RIDICULOUS idea!" And, honestly... WHY ON EARTH are two people planning to get married if things are THIS unresolved?! "Since the day I met him?" LawyerBoy? That was even before you and Kelly REALLY got together! And yet with all that, you’ve gotten involved and decided to get married? How stupid ARE you and Kelly, huh?! And Kelly, why are you LYING YOUR ASS OFF to LawyerBoy about Dylan? You’ve admitted to yourself AND TO DONNA that you "still thought Dylan might be The One" back at Christmas – AFTER you’d announced your engagement to the King of Sweater Vests there, I might add – and as recently as two nights ago were discussing "proposing" to Dylan as a mind-fuck (How cute! How powerful! How respectful!)... so why are you pretending that you have noooo idea what silly LawyerBoy is talking about? Why are people so completely retardedly stupid that they tell bullshit lies like this and really think others believe them?! Jaysuz! You guys suck. So LB continues pressure Kelly, using the charming "do it for me" bit. And Kelly declares that "this feels like a test!" Well, der! But game-playing shouldn’t surprise you none, sweetie, seeing as it’s obviously considered the backbone to romantic relationships here in Hillsterland.

Someone get me a cool cloth for my forehead, please.

Noah. Elbetrah. Some outdoor table. Yawn. I swear, I will have a conniption of Noah decides to marry Elbetrah to take care of her and Caitlin, and sails off into the sunset with them. I will seriously break fragile glass objects. I hate them both. HATE HATE HATE!

And over at the Martin Mansion, Felice has managed to sell the house and close escrow in, like, one day. And as she and Donna do a slow promenade around the driveway, Felice... Felice is chortling about how "we made a killing!" on the sale and saying all flippantly "Okay, somber moment. [pause] That’s it." Felice, whose supposedly beloved husband croaked barely a month ago, leaving her emotionally helpless and broken... Felice, to whom status is everything... Felice, supposedly the Ultimate Beverly Hills Matron/Mother... is GLOATING and MAKING SARCASTIC COMMENTS about the sale of her marital home in which she raised her daughter and lived with her husband for twenty-some-odd years...?! Felice is using gauche and death-referential phrases like "we made a killing!" and "somber moment"...? Come ON! What next... making arch comments about all the cute resort wear she’s going to pick up at Nordie’s with Doc’s life insurance check? Using the proceeds of the house to join some singles’ country club? Thanking her stars that Doc kicked it so that they can afford a splashy wedding for Donna in a couple weeks? Anyway, Felice claims she’s "taking it so well" because "that’s what your father would want. He’d want me to move on. He’d want us both to." Bullshit. BRING BACK OUR FELICE! And then Donna starts whining about how she misses him so much, and Felice... Felice, who is supposedly this man’s widow, says only in a Gratuitous Donna-Tori Ego Fuck-Fest-like reflection of Donna’s sweetness and light, "I know you do." Yeah, because "poor Donna," and to heck with the Merry Widow there! And Donna cries about how she wants to tell him about the things that matter most, I’m sure, like "work, and Kelly getting married, and my perpetual role as bridesmaid" …because, yeah, Donna, your stupid air-headed fiancé-hopping friend asks you to be a BM twice in the last 16 months, and, man, it’s "always a bridesmaid never a bride" for you at the ripe old age of, what, 23? SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! I HATE THIS CRAP! I HATE THE STUPID MESSAGES THIS STUPID SHOW SENDS TO THOSE STUPID TEEN VIEWERS WHO THEN POST STUPID THINGS ABOUT HOW STUPID DONNA AND STUPID DAVY "BELONG" TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SOOOOO MUCH!

And then, speaking of relationship stupidity.... Felice. Has. A. Blind. Date. For. Donna. God help us, Felice actually says to Donna, "You want to get serious, right? You’re between one of your many boyfriends. And given your recent track record, I think it’s a rare window of opportunity!" The fuck!? I mean, I haven’t seen this much superficial sexist schlock with dating stereotypes since me and my friends were having Ken pick Barbie up in the pink ‘vette for a hot night on the town....

And Felice chirps "I know the two of you are REEEALLY gonna hit it off!" Gee... I wonder who this "perfect" fix-up could POSSIBLY be!? And if all their friends and even Felice want them together, why, they must be the PERFECT couple who just BELONG together because they're MADE FOR EACH OTHER!

Gag me with a Ginsu.

And over at Casa Skeevy, PodJanet comes home from work to find a note on the counter that says "J SORRY YOU HAD TO WORK LATE. DINNER’S IN THE OVEN. XOXO STEVE & MADDY (sic)" with a tracing of Stevie’s hand and a tracing of Maddie/y’s hand that is almost as big as Janet’s. So Janet the BJNW rushes upstairs to where Stevie and Maddie/y are cuddling on the bed. And Stevie goes "Just gettin’ back from work?" And Janet goes "Yeah" all soft and apologetically. And Stevie goes "She really wore me out today." And Maddie/y goes "That’s right. I kept trying to talk to him about The Feminine Mystique and The Second Sex and Diary of a Mad Housewife and Backlash, but Lord Doofus here just wanted to play with his beer hat and watch TV all day. You gotta do something about my mental stimulation, Ma... not to mention his!" And Janet whispers "I’m gonna put her down, okay?" And Stevie goes "Okay... bye Maddie/y!" And Maddie/y goes "Bye, Pa... and try to remember what I told you about men, women and society, okay?" And Janet carts Maddie/y off to the nursery to sit in the rocking chair with her. And Stevie hovers in the doorway and says "It’s hard, I know." And Janet... Janet says "I missed an entire day of her life!" Hello? It didn’t bother you when you stuck her with nannies and your mother for days on end! You seem to spend a lot of time at the PPAD or other Hillster Events without her! You’ve even supposedly been working without her there! I SERIOUSLY doubt the REAL issue is that you "missed a whole day of her life" here, hon! And Stevie makes these incredibly insidious, subversive "Yeah, yeah, I guess you did" guilty faces at her before leaving Janet to get in touch with her Traditional 1950s Housewife side, because lemme guess... all this nasty-wasty work stuff has made PodJanet the BJNW realize that what’s REALLY important is being at home with her baby, and she can leave all that heavy-pressure work stuff to Stevie, because a father can’t be as good a mother as a mother. God, this is as manipulative as I Love Lucy showing Lucy always getting into Mishaps and Misadventures every time she tried to do anything other than be a stay-at-home-wife catering to her husband, in order to reinforce to all the former Rosie the Riveters that the woman’s place was really in the home, and since the men were back from the war and the women weren’t really needed in the workforce anymore, why didn’t they just scoot themselves back to the kitchens and be quick about it, hnnn?

And in some fancy restaurant, Donna’s all slumped in a hot-pink boob-sling (tm xix), looking morose and waiting for her "date." And golly, who should show up but Davy Silver, dressed to impress in a BAGgy untucked sweatshirt. So they grin and goon about "everyone’s trying to tell us something" and make feeble attempts at claiming that they "don’t want" to be romantically involved, but, of course, all the while they’re STARING at each other and Donna’s whispering without moving her lips and making Sticky Lip Moues and Twitches, so we can see where this is headed, can’t we? And, oh yeah, right on cue, Davy grabs Donna’s face and Donna jams her tongue down Davy’s throat right in the middle of the restaurant. Why can’t that candle in the middle of the table set Davy’s BAGgy shirt on fire? ... God, Donna, put that thing away! Gads, you could paint a house with that!

And, oh, we’re REALLY in for some Big Intense Soulmate Crap, because Dylan’s asked Kelly to meet him at the Santa Monica Pier near the Ferris wheel! And Dylan moseys up behind Kelly and announces "Won’t work." "What?" queries Kelly defensively. "Leaving," rasps Dylan. Oh, the emotion! "Is that why you wanted me to meet you here? So you could tell me not to leave?" queries Kelly defensively. "Yeah, that and to see if you wanted to go bowling," rasps Dylan sardonically. Oh, the intensity! And there’s a Big Pause while Kelly makes Squonchy Lips before she says "I haven’t decided to go anywhere" all defensively. "...I tried, it doesn’t help you forget," rasps Dylan. Oh, the angst! And Kelly, rosebud lips all a-pouting, announces earnestly "You can’t do this Dylan." Wanna bet? And Dylan plays dumb and rasps "Do what?" all blandly. And Kelly snips, "This! Meeting me here, now, at the last minute!" And Dylan rasps "Why not?" all blandly. Oh, the arrogance! And Kelly goes "Because!" And Dylan rasps "Because? ‘Cos you don’t want to?" Who wrote this dialogue, Mr. Jones’s fifth-grade class? And Kelly goes all supposedly assertively "I don’t." And Dylan rasps "Because... it’s confusing?" And Kelly makes a pouty face and says nothing. And Dylan rasps "You leaving because of me?" And Kelly makes a flirty pouty face and coos "I didn’t say I was leaving." Oh, the conflict! And Dylan rasps "If you do...?" And Kelly tosses her head and makes a pouty face and goes "It won’t have anything to do with you." And Dylan rasps "I’m glad you’re clear on that... ‘cos a couple months ago, you were sayin’ something to me, somethin’ about committment... somethin’ about... me committing to you, and not just a little bit... all or nothing." And Kelly’s just busy tossing her head and looking away and pouting like a three-year-old before she snaps defensively "You chose nothing." And Dylan rasps "Lemme choose again." Oh, the presumption, the smugness, the hubris! And Dylan stares at Kelly and Kelly stares at Dylan before stammering "You can’t! It’s too late!" and Dylan rasps "No it’s not!" and Kelly goes "I have to go," And Dylan grabs Kelly’s arm and insists "No you don’t! ...Why is it too late?" And if any ex of mine ever presumed to grab me and boss me around and insist it wasn’t over between us, I’d clock him. But Kelly is of COURSE all flustered because Dylan’s holding her hand, and she stammers that "Because. It is,"but weakly, because who can resist the mysterious powerful magnetism of Dylan McKay and his Bad-Ass Rebel Man self? And they stare at each other for a couple more interminable moments before Kelly rushes off like a startled forest creature, leaving Dylan to gaze off at the lights of the Ferris wheel and ponder soulmates and mighty elephants and dead wives and the siroccos and the fact that I only have one more Rant before it’s All Over.....

Um, this week’s Rant Contest.... I mentioned earlier some of the 90210Actual Most Memorable Moments earlier in the Rant…. Actually, I also mentioned Loser Moments. And Most Offensive Moments. So the contest is, make a list of the Most ____ Hillster Moments. Contestants will be judged on content, humor and originality, and the winner gets a mondo-keen prize package! Aooga! Aooga!

There’s one more thing… party info! Gustave and I have been putting our heads together, and have decided (okay, well, Dwanollah the Kellyesque Domestic Hedonist Control Freak decided) to have it here in The Purple Living Room for sure. A bunch of y’all have e-mailed and/or posted asking to come, and I’m, like, totally all for having a passel of you over. But The Purple Living Room is extremely small... I figure that, with squeezing, we can fit 10 of us in here uncomfortably. So, yeah, come on over, but unfortunately, I have to say no to those who’ve asked if they can bring a couple friends along. And also, much as my Inner Strega Nona craves the opportunity to provide boundless supplies of food to everyone, the budget simply won’t allow it. So the menu is the traditional 90210 Gathering fare of fondues, but I’ll have to ask that party guests kick in with a basket of berries or a bottle of beverage to share. And last, due to lack of space as well as the fact that me and The Husband-Type Man both have to work the next day, offering a place to crash is out too (so, sadly, I’ve nixed the idea of the vodka watermelon). Thus, the rules are: please RSVP to me by the weekend before the Final Episode (I’ll give you directions and all that then), and please let me know what you can bring! I’ll prolly take that day off work, so we can start Gathering in the early evening; just say when.

Our bondage is almost over, my friends. Be brave!

Dwanollah

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