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These WHY Lists and Rants originally appeared at Mediarama.
Minor HTML boo-boos and typos have been corrected since their
original publication.
May 10, 2000: The
Last Rant. Donna thinks David doesn't love her Like That.
Kelly thinks Dylan is dead, but no such luck. Camille gets
bilked—nicely!—out of her share of the clothing
store. Janet and Stevie continue to behave like a pre-1960
married couple as they discuss their job options. Dwanollah
psychoanalyzes like crazy and thanks God for her release from
bondage….
April 26, 2000: Kelly
makes a token attempt at contemplating moving to Seattle with
Bran- um, Matt. Donna and David make a token attempt at not
immediately getting back together mere hours after he dumped
Camille. Stevie makes a token attempt at being a stay-at-home
father. Janet makes a token attempt at being something other
than her husband's Creature. Dylan makes no attempt whatsoever
to not put pressure on Kelly. Dwanollah complains some more
about dysfunctional relationships, wedding b.s. and fatherhood
stereotypes.
April 19, 2000: Camille
models. David gets mad and dumps her. LawyerBoy lies to Kelly
about his one-nighter. Steve invests thousands of dollars
that he never told Janet he had. Maddie/y needs new parents.
Donna's web designer is madly in love with her. Donna's web
site is launched. Dwanollah rants about all the web page inconsistencies,
amongst other stupid things: namely, 90210.
April 4, 2000: Donna
and Co. plan a website for her clothing store. Donna dates
her web designer. LawyerBoy acts guilty about his one-nighter.
Kelly wants to start wedding-planning. Noah mumbles a lot
and continues to Save his Other Alcoholic. Stevie and Janet
have bunny hijinx. Dwanollah has several fits about date-rape
and the general relationship stereotypes perpetuated by 90210.
March 22, 2000: Dylan
and LawyerBoy incorporate several past 90210 plots on their
"road trip." So does Noah when he Saves an Other
Alcoholic. Stevie is the Sausage King. Donna is single. Camille
and David are horny. Dwanollah is disgusted.
March 15, 2000:
LaweryBoy Matt defends a comedian. Davy supposedly gets a
job offer in New York. For some reason, Ryan Sanders is still
around. Maddy cries a lot. Jack McKay is the stupidest Protected
Witness in the WPP. Kelly's busy playing "Highway to
Heaven" at Dylan, so Dwanollah takes over Kelly's PR
job... and counts up recycled plots too.
March 8, 2000: Dylan
and Kelly and LawyerBoy track down Dylan's dad. Donna keeps
saving Noah. Spawn of Satan Ryan Sanders makes an appearance.
And God help us, Tori Spelling directs this masterpiece. In
Dwanollah's mind, everything refers to Duran Duran, because
that's the only way she can deal with an episode as bad as
this one.
March 1, 2000: Dylan
discovers his father isn't dead after all. After a one-show
dating hiatus for the death of her daddy, Donna has a blind
date. Noah gets drunk and mumbles a lot, and Donna feels compelled
to save him.. Kelly supposedly does PR work for Pia and writes
a speech for a political candidate. Dwanollah bitches about
it.
Feb 16, 2000: Doc's
dead, so everyone has to laud, hail and magnify Donna. Kelly
takes a PR job with Pia. LB's car gets repo'd. Dylan [ostensibly]
stops running away. Gina is totally pathetic. Dwanollah is
unmoved.
Feb 9, 2000: The stupidest
kidnapping in history. Donna, Kelly and LawyerBoy go on a
fake almost-newlywed game show for Valentine's Day. Davy and
Camille are dating. Gina is all pathetic at Doc Martin. Doc
drops dead. Dwanollah yammers about VD and craves the Death
of Noah.
Jan 26, 2000: LawyerBoy's
Brother comes to visit and asks LB to impregnate his wife
for him. Kelly is a selfish bitch. Gidget's Niece and Gidget's
Niece's Brother get mad at Dylan and Noah for their missing
drugs. Gina half-way saves a Fat Other Boy. Donna makes friends
with fashion-writer Camille Desmond and dates some clothing
buyer guy. Davy just sort of hangs around and then goes on
a date with Camille. Noah gets in trouble for doinking the
nanny. The nanny gets in trouble for not remembering doinking
Steve. Dwanollah deconstructs Hillster symbolism and complains
about overpopulation and her Dumb Dad.
Jan 19, 2000: LawyerBoy,
despite being grounded, takes on a case for a Poor Mexican
Other. Dylan continues to treat Gina like crap and Gina continues
to take it. Noah and Dylan are still partying with Gidget's
Niece and Gidget's Niece's Brother. Kelly sort of quits "work."
Donna dates a Headhunter. Davy dates a lawyer named Chrissy.
Janet hires a nanny. Noah doinks the nanny. Steve remembers
he doinked the nanny back in college. Dwanollah bitches about
the fact that stupidity and inconsistency reign all over Hillsterland.
Jan 12, 2000: Size
matters for Kelly and LawyerBoy and, accordingly, LB gets
grounded for blowing his client's retainer on Kelly's ring.
Gina is pathetic. Donna dates a Coffee Guy. Noah and Dylan
party with Gidget's Niece and Gidget's Niece's Brother. Baby
Maddy gets baptized.
Dec 22, 1999: Andrew
the Gay Other shows up once more as Dylan plays Jesus at the
Po' Black Chilluns' Center. Janet's parents are big meanies.
Gina prostrates herself to the Martin family. Donna questions
The Truth and gets fully dumped by Noah. LawyerBoy unethically
squanders a client's retainer on an engagement ring for Kelly.
Dwanollah gets twelve plumbers plumbing for Christmas.
Dec 15, 1999: Just
in time for Christmas next week, Baby Magg- um, Maddy comes
home and several Hillsters goon over wanting to breed. Kelly
and Dylan shop for art and stuff turkey together. Donna and
Gina forge sisterly ties. Donna kind of dumps Noah because
he didn't really go to Harvard. Dwanollah rants about relationship
stereotypes and game playing, working retail during Christmas,
and tallies up Totally Inane Comments.
Nov 17, 1999: Janet
and Steve have a partial honeymoon before having a premie
baby. Gina has scheming plans, Kelly and LawyerBoy have relationship
angst, Donna has a shit-fit when she finds out that her daddy
had an affair with her aunt and is, in fact, Gina's father.
Dwanollah rants about cheating spouses and homophobic idiots,
amongst other things.
Nov 10, 1999: Steve
and Janet send the Hillster Gang on a scavenger hunt which
ends at their wedding. Davy and Kelly and Gina are too involved
in Mel and Jackie's marital woes. Dylan preaches to a Gay
Other. Dwanollah rants at length about "soulmates"
and the sex industry, respectively.
Nov 4, 1999: After
a brief vacation, Dwanollah returns to discover that the writers
of 90210, in their greatest rip-off ever, have turned the
PPAD into a strip club. Davy continues to pretend he's Adam
Carolla, and dates some so-called "performance artist."
Donna is obsessed with a Dead Homeless Other. Stevie sells
his penis- I mean, his Corvette. Steve and Janet ask Kelly
and Dylan to be their unborn child's godparents. LawyerBoy
defends a criminal on Death Row. And, accordingly, Dwanollah
rants about capital punishment.
Sept 29, 1999: Hillster
Couples promote all sorts of problematic relationship stereotypes
as Janet and Stevie decide whether or not to marry. Davy tries
to be Adam Carolla. Gina tries to be Valerie. Dylan tries
to be Jesus. LawyerBoy's latest client is a woman with two
kids who wants a divorce- wait, she changed her mind! Dwanollah
goes off the deep end ranting about irresponsible sex, irresponsible
parenthood and irresponsible marriage.
Sept 22, 1999: Donna
and Co. miraculously whip up not one but TWO menswear lines
for her Big Fashion Show. Gina schemes and flails. Pia the
PR Person makes her first of way too many stops at the Zip
and makes her first miraculous offer to Kelly of Big New Job.
Dylan miraculously gets back into college. And Steve and Janet
should be strung up by their thumbs for their sexist generalities
and methods of "handling" their pending parenthood.
Dwanollah suffers from a head cold, among other things.
Sep 15, 1999: Second
show of the season. Janet and Stevie, knocked up thanks to
irresponsible sex, act like teen-aged morons with no thought
to consequence. With LawyerBoy Matt's help, Kelly tries to
"get through" being raped. Dylan saves a Drugged
Other. Gina, Davy and Dylan form a Bizarre Love Triangle.
The Gang has a birthday party for Davy at the PPAD. Dwanollah
hosts her first New York fondue party.
May 5, 1999: Dylan
runs from his demons. Donna crushes on some so-called male
model. Gina regurgitates. Dr. Silver poo-poos doctor-patient
confidentiality. David makes like he's a nice guy and cares.
Stevie and Janet do some stupid computer match-making. Kelly
gets raped... again.
Apr 21, 1999: David
dates a sex addict. St. Donna reunites Noah with his long-lost
sister. Dylan and Stevie rescue some pregnant lady who just
got mugged. Kelly and Dylan and Gina and LawyerBoy Matt continue
to have one big dysfunctional relationship. Dwanollah continues
to flail on lengthy commentary because the show sucks so much.
Jan 21, 1999: Stevie
goes to Losers Court. Dylan struggles with his demons; that
makes him oh-so-attractive to pathetic Gina that she decides
to Save him. Kelly, naturally, gets jealous. Donna and Noah
doink all over her childhood home while her parents are out
of town. And they have a Hillster Only birthday party for
LawyerBoy Matt there in between sick-making rutting scenes.
Jan 13, 1999: Skeevy
Stevie Sanders engages in Gross Sexism for Fun and Profit.
Dylan is supposedly distraught that Toni's grave has been
moved, and thus feels compelled to buy a gun and do more drugs.
Kelly and Matt doink. Donna mugs, goons and twitters. Gina
kisses Felice's Gucci-clad ass.
Dec 16, 1998: Dylan
whisks Kelly off to Mexico for a doink/drug fix. Donna tries
to save the gangsta grrrl. Gina tries to Scheme against Donna
and flails. The PPAD hosts a Christmas dance marathon. Steve
is a dork.
Dec 9, 1998: Kelly's
Grandpa materializes out of nowhere... and dies. Steve's mom
materializes out of nowhere as a lesbian. Donna encounters
a gangsta grrrl. Matt has a legal and ethical dilemma, which
means he also has a Kelly dilemma. Dylan and Noah are passed
off as sort-of-compatriots for one brief show. Dylan has Car
Angst.
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