I'd like to say I've gone off the trendy teen poo music kick that I've been on for the last, oh, 3 YEARS… but, well, I've actually, um, just pretty much just switched continents and found a 30-something "teen" to glom on to. Yes, I am currently obsessed—pitifully so—by the new Kylie Minogue album Fever. Uh huh. Come Into My [Extremely Pathetic] World, why doncha?

Kylie doesn't have much cred in the US; if she's recognized at all here, it's for that wretched mid-80s cover of "Locomotion" … or possibly for "I Should Be So Lucky," her other single, before she sank into obscurity. But evidently, the soap actress turned pop star is, like, Australia's Madonna, and has done extremely well on UK/European pop charts for over a decade. Who'd've known?

I got sucked in, perhaps predictably, when I saw Kylie performing "I Can't Get You Out of My Head" on SNL. Good grief… she looked like the bitchy Blow Job Queen from high school, a pocket-size wet dream, a soprano Samantha Fox, Britney in her 30s, Tinkerbell Does Dallas. But. That song. That gawd damned catchy song from hell.

I succumbed.

Thus, I give to you, a Dwanollah Album Review.

Track 1, "More, More, More"
See the disco ball spinning? Got your roller skates and rainbow knee-socks on? Surely Patrice Rushen recorded this in 1978! Check it out when Kylie breaks into her Ultra Special Patented Mondo Syllable Repetition vocal style with "Gimme mo-o-o-o-o-o-ore!" How can someone manage to chirp, breathe, sigh and moan the vocals simultaneously…?

Track 2, "Love at First Sight"
"Thought that I was goin' queasy/just havin' one of those days, yeah/Didn't know what to do/then there was you…." Has Kylie engaged Britney's lyricist? The fluffy chorus is the best part of this song, complete, of course with Quintessential Kylie Mondo Nonsense Syllable Repetition: "We were meant to be as wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-one!" This song totally could've come from Madonna's first album.

Track 3, "I Just Can't Get You out of My Head"
Fuck me, but THIS IS THE GREATEST USE OF OCTAVE SYNTH BASS SINCE GIORGIO MORODER!! Yes! Yes! I don't care how insipid this song is or how Porn Star Kylie sounds as she coos, "stay forever…and ever… and ever… and ever…." I'm not ashamed! I LOVE THIS SONG! If that ain't enough, I guarantee you will have the "la la la, la la la la la" chorus on perpetual mental loop until you want to drive handfuls of sixpenny nails through your skull. But in a good way.

Ooooh, Doctor, I've got a fever… riiiight here!

Track 4, "Fever"
This sounds like something from Olivia Newton-John's early 80s reject pile: "So tell me… what do you describe… for the symptoms?" Gads, Kylie's voice bugs… that put-on super sexxxx-kitten tone as she moans "Ah ah ah ah aaaaahh-" Hey! Double meaning! You know how you go to a doctor and have to open your mouth wide and say "ahhhhhh"? Just like giving a blowjob! And dig the rest of the Double Meaning Doctor Lyrics: "Hey doctor just what do you diagnose/ There ain't a surgeon like you any place in all the world/So now, shall I remove my clothes?" What is this, a freakin' porn plot?!

Track 5, "Give it to Me"
Spin, disco ball, spin! Flash, all you strobe lights! "Give it to Me" sounds like it could be Cameo's white second cousin or something. When examined critically, this song is a nothing little bit of fluff, like most of the others on Fever, really… but dang, it's catchy.

Track 6, "Fragile"
A mildly catchy beat is the only decent thing about this track. For the most part, it sounds like a Britney discard, or perhaps something that didn't quite make the Glitter soundtrack. The lyrics are also less overtly all Naughty Naughty Sexy Double Meaning!!! than the previous ones, but are no less banal. "When I think of you, I could break in two" and "I get butterflies, water in my eyes"…. Didn't I once write something like this in my 9th grade diary…?

Track 7, "Come Into My World"
Kylie's Kelly Tayloresque Itty Bitty Baby Talk vocals are at their most ubiquitous on this song, and, natch, the lyrics are packed with strokes of poetic brilliance like "I need your love like night needs morning." But when the chorus kicks in, I quickly realize that this is COMPLETELY AND WHOLLY THE GREATEST SONG OF 2002! Why? 1) Disco! 2) Octave synth bass. 3) "Na na na na na na na nana nanana…." Wow! I could listen to this damned thing twenty times in a row! Thirty! Where's the karaoke version?! "Na na na na na na na nana nananaaaaaaaa!" Shake dat azz! Yeah! I need this SONG like night needs morn-a-a-a-a-aaaaan'!

Track 8, "In Your Eyes"
Okay, after finally getting past the disco masterpiece that is "Come Into My World"…. Hm. Well. This almost sounds like it could've been a track from Mel "Sporty Spice" C.'s solo album… if Melanie sang like a horny chickadee, that is. Again, the disco beat is the saving grace here. Did Kylie ever do porn? Or phone sex? Are you sure? "Ooo ooo ooo ooo-oo-oo!"

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