Gads. Hypocrite High must be gearing up for another one of their "alumni picnics." I got another stupid request to "let your classmates know what you have been up to since high school!"

As if Hypocrite High reeeeeeeally cares.

Lucky for me, they don't have any of my current contact information. But unlucky for Gram, they use her address for me, so she gets the slews of envelopes for me, and passes them on when I visit, sure they must be "important." Usually, it's the multi-annual Groveling for Donations, because, while I certainly wasn't good enough for the administration when I attended the stupid school, they sure wouldn't discriminate against any money I want to send them.

I suppose ol' HHS could've been worse. It was super, super small; no shittin', I was one of a graduating class of 28 people. This meant that lame folks like me could be on the cheerleading squad (could be captain, no less!) and on ASB and the school paper, because there was zero competition there. But it was all super-Christian, and the administration was money-hungry and, well, hypocritical. When I started HHS in 9th grade, I was a good lil' Bible Study gal, sweet, traditional, eager to be part of a loving, Christ-like environment. By the time I graduated, I was a cynical, disenchanted, organized-religion-loathing misanthrope with strong feminist leanings.

Last time I responded to one of these questionnaires was about five years ago. I fired off some quick, slightly snarky responses, sent my regrets for the alumni activities (because there aren't enough members in any one class to have a reunion, so all 150 people who graduated HHS in their 20 year history get together at some picnic. Yeah.), and forgot about it. Well, until the emails from classmates trickled in wanting to know, almost exclusively, "SO DO YOU HAVE KIDS LOL???????!!!!!!" (because HHS graduated very few… ah… non-traditional women, I've discovered, and most of the girls I went to school with married very quickly after high school and stuck to traditional jobs, if they worked at all). And I got a bunch of forwarded emails about "OMG did you know john michael montgomerys song "the little girl" is based on a true story????!!!!!" or "THIS IS FOR REAL!!!! Microsoft will pay you for every person that you forward this e-mail to!!!!!"

Which, I might add, is a brilliant reflection on the quality of a HHS education.

So I'm not going to deal with the Idiocy again. I'm not going through with the futility of even sending them my answers, because then I'll just get Round Two of the same old dumb e-mails: "Did you ever marry [DumbAss]?? Do you have any kids???" Gross. No way! To heck with Hypocrite High! To heck with these stupid questionnaires and reunions which're all about people trying to prove something or another to long-lost peers. (Can you believe some of these Reunion Questionnaires actually ask "How much money do you make a year?" and "What kind of car do you drive?" What the hell?! No pun intended, of course.) No thank you. They can keep my outdated info and think I still live in NY! Ha!

But you guys? You all get the pure, unadulterated vitriol.

Name: Dwanollah MyLastName-TheHusband-TypeMan'sLastName. Yes, I hyphenated my last name. No, it's NOT that weird. No, don't call me "Mrs." And I'm not impressed when you tell me that "I'm now Mrs. John Smith!!!!" either.

Occupation: English professor @ lame-ass barely-accredited college, author of several critical articles and a yet-unfinished (but getting there) tome on Künstlerroman issues in girls' literature (which is a subject that interest me and, like, six other people), and, at last, perpetual student finally accepted to a solid Ph.D. program. No, I'm not a (pick one) day-care provider, RN, elementary-school teacher, or office manager. I think, like, all but 5 women who graduated from HHS went on to a traditional woman's job…I reiterate, if they went on to a job at all.

Spouse's name, age and occupation: The Husband-Type Man MyLastName-TheHusband-TypeMan'sLastName, but he uses his maiden name in business. We're both 33. He's a computer geek/business stud, who went from being his company's software designer to their vice president. He's smart, and a really brilliant manager. Plus he's cute as hell. He has a crooked nose, and he's very ticklish. He also has freckles on his shoulders, and plays with his lower lip when he reads. Wait, no one but me is interested in that last stuff, huh?

Names and Ages of Children: Why is it that's the ONLY THING ANYONE EVER WANTS TO KNOW?! Seriously, the half-dozen people that actually sent me non-forwarded e-mails seemed incapable of talking about anything else. "Do you have kids yet??? I have to [sic] beautiful daughters Meghan Michelle (3) and Chelsea Savannah (25 weeks). Chelsea was born on Jan. 8 after 17 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, she weighed 7 lb 4 oz and was 21 inches. I love being a full time mommy!!!!!" You know, after looking through the alumni news pages the last time, that's no surprise… because ALMOST EVERY SINGLE WOMAN WHO GRADUATED FROM HHS WENT ON TO BECOME "a full time mommy!!!!" usually before they could drink legally. Because really, what ELSE would a woman want to do, when CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM GOD?!

I don't have children. I hate most children. If THTM and I have a child, we will totally fuck it up, just for the fun of it. No, I don't currently feel that something is wrong with me because I don't have them. No, I don't particularly feel that something is "missing." Yes, my husband and I are perfectly capable of being "a family" without breeding. And if we do breed, he's going to be a "full time daddy!!!" while I work. (See? Doesn't it sound stupid when you put "daddy" instead of "mommy"? If a parent works, are they a "part time mommy/daddy!!!"?)

Names and Ages of Grandchildren: Just the thought that anyone in their mid-thirties could, and is, a grandparent scares the shit out of me. But I guess when you marry a Navy guy at 18, which is what a lot of folks in San Diego do, and immediately have babies, which is also what a lot of folks in San Diego (not to mention a hell of a lot of HHS graduates) do, then grandparenthood at the low end of your 30s is possible. But it still scares the shit out of me. There but for the grace of God, I guess.