Help us, Lizzie Wakefield… you’re our only hope!

Lamest Lizzie Crusade
Liz was the ultimate Helper to the Downtrodden anyway, and it didn’t seem like there was any family/school/friend/life situation that was too sacred for her to stick her nose into and “help”… because she’s SO kind and caring, you know. Every new person who comes to Sweet Valley, from Regina Morrow to Claire Middleton to Tim Eastman to Sally Larson, gets helped by Elizabeth. And every sad, lonely, misfit SVH-er on campus, from Lynn Henry to Susan Stewart to Tina Ayala to Alan Walters, gets to be “good friends” with Elizabeth Wakefield… at least for a book or so before they’re dropped to the bottom of the SVH heap. Liz solves couple squabbles, repairs friendships, saves lives, turns lives around. But the lamest by far was one of the First Big Crusades: Liz, with heavy-handed guilt tactics, butts into a court hearing and reunites Ricky Capaldo’s family and his poor Italian grandparents. Lizzie? IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!

Lamest Jessie Scheme
Where Liz crusades, Jess schemes. And again, nothing is sacred. From her parents’ romantic lives whilst separated to, well, her classmates’ parents’ romantic lives whilst separated, Jess can make all the difference. Hijinx will ensue, but in the end, all will be perfect. And by far the lamest example is the aforementioned “Jessica Reunites the Patmans!” plot. Because yeah, that’ll work.

Most Wretched Wakefield Propaganda
Liz and Jess become Big Sisters! Yes, there’s been Wakefield Propaganda before to convince us how wonderful and compassionate and caring the twins can be (although Jessica usually has an Ulterior Motive): they’ve done volunteer work, been Candy Stripers, helped down-and-out friends, and Liz has written oh-so-earnest articles about everything from an abused women’s shelter to the local teen counseling service. However, nothing is as wretched and contrived as when the Wakefield twins each sponsor a poor, helpless, lonely, pathetic, motherless little girl through the Big Sisters program because they care soooo much and are sooooo committed to their “little sisters.” But there’re only two actual scenes with the Wakefields and their little sisters in SVH #53, Second Chance the book that has the Big Sisters B-plot… and one mention of Liz taking her little sister to a bookstore in #54… and then, predictably, We-the-Readers never hear another word about the Big Sisters program or the girls’ little sisters again. I guess one afternoon baking cookies with Liz and Jess is all two 10-year-old girls needed to turn their lives around….

Hokiest Death
Olivia Davidson. No kidding. As the traditional, long-running SVH series wound down to give way to the new SVH Senior Year, there was a big earthquake in Sweet Valley… on the twins’ seventeenth birthday (yes, after 20 years, they FINALLY had a birthday!); Olivia was killed by the Wakefields’ copper-colored refrigerator toppling on her. Which is dumb because when you read SVU, there’s mention of Elizabeth talking to Olivia, who’s been at art school in San Francisco, at some Christmas reunion dance.

Most Unlikable One-Time-Only Character
Sally Larson, Dana’s orphaned cousin who comes to live in Sweet Valley in SVH #33, Starting Over. What a jellyfish. NO interesting qualities at all. Ditto Jennifer Mitchell who dates that SV Bad Boy Rick Andover in SVH #52, White Lies. Yaaaawn. I couldn’t be bothered to care about her.

Most Unlikable Supporting Characters
Amy Sutton and Kirk Anderson. What was the point of them? Take Amy. I guess there weren’t enough flirty, spoiled, immature and gossipy blonde cheerleaders in Sweet Valley already…? Or Kirk. Like the latest Bruce-turns-good plot twist left the Valley lacking in a rich and handsome arrogant asshole…?

Most Whatever-Happened-To…? Character
Jeffrey French. Boy, once Liz dumped him, we never heard from him again. Except in Special Editions. First he hooks up with Enid in one special edition… but we-the-readers never hear anything else about that. Then one of Jessica’s Secret Diaries reveals SHE’S hooked up with him, too. But still nothing in the regular series. Hm. (*Note: no sooner had this Blather gone to press when the latest Sweet Valley Senior Year book came out with Elizabeth getting mystery Valentine's Day love notes from a secret admirer who turns out to be... yes... Jeffrey French! Although he's been honked up into a techno-listenin' XTREEEEEM Sports-playin' washboard abs type of guy, not the Nerd Boy of old....) Runner-up: AJ Morgan. I guess when those Wakefield chicks’re done with a boy, they’re DONE.

Strangest Character Inconsistencies
Ronnie Edwards. In SVH #2, Secrets, he’s possessive, jealous, irrational and bullying to his then-girlfriend Enid Rollins. But when he shows up again in SVH #52, Against the Odds, he’s young, dumb, impressionable, and pathetically weak. It’s like he goes from a “Yeah you know you want it baby, uhhh!” macho dude into a “Gee guys, can I come play with you, huh, huh, huh?” boy.

Kewlest Supporting Character
Olivia Davidson… especially early Olivia. I always secretly longed to be an Olivia, all arty and bohemian and wacky and offbeat and opinionated and talented… but I lacked the courage.

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