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It’d be impossible to review every single SVH book,
so I decided on an approach from the bowels of Sweet Valley
itself: a SVH Slam Book!
Kewlest Website:
Dwanollah.com…. |
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Most Overdone Details
You can recite it with me, can’t you? “Sun-streaked
blond hair, blue-green eyes, and perfect size-six figures.”
NO insecure, pimply, awkward teenage girl needed to hear that
emphasized in EVERY SINGLE BOOK! Shut UP!
Most Annoying Suspension of Disbelief
There were about seven Christmases and Spring Breaks, at least
ten summers, five sorority rush seasons, six cheerleading
tryouts, two birthday parties for Lila Fowler, a half-dozen
football- and basketball seasons, two soccer championships,
and countless life-shattering tragedies- all in the course
of the twins’ 16th year/junior year in high school. After
a while, having to defer reality on the Sweet Valley Calendar
got really exasperating….
Lamest Elizabeth Antic
Elizabeth decides she’s boring so she breaks out of her
dull existence by Daring to be Different… and takes surfing
lessons. And she leads this Duplicitous Double Life, telling
all sorts of lies, to, um, keep her lessons secret so she
can surprise everyone when she enters a surfing contest. Because,
like, after a whole four weeks of lessons, she’s ready
to compete… and would’ve won, too. Riiiight. Wotta
wild child, that Liz.
Runner up: Liz (along with Todd, of course) decides to play
matchmaker with Dana Larson and Aaron Dallas. And it’s
a big-time dealie to get Aaron and Dana to fall in love. Really…
would Elizabeth Wakefield be that calculating and controlling?
Lamest Jessica Antic
Ned and Alice Wakefield are separated and might divorce! Oh
no! So Jessica decides that, for her parents to be happy,
they need to be in love. With other people. So she tries to
set them up with various other potential mates. And isn’t
the least bit traumatized that Mom and Dad are no longer together.
Runner up: Jessica decides to break up Olivia Davidson and
Roger Barrett Patman because she thinks it’d be cool
to date the New Richest Boy in Sweet Valley and go with him
to the Big Party of the Year. Okay. But Jess hatches her dastardly
plot by, amongst other things, um… sucking up to Roger’s
aunt/Bruce’s mom, Mrs. Patman… by helping clean
up during a big pool party. Uh, why would any supposedly super-rich
and snobby woman be impressed by a girl who acts like the
hired help at a party, picking up dirty glasses? Especially
if she thinks bohemian Olivia is “awkward” and unsophisticated?
Lamest Couple
Elizabeth and Todd. Yeah, it’s the obvious choice, but
they’re the hands-down winners in this category. Maybe
it’s the constant bombardment; in EVERY book, readers
are hammered with 1) how GORGEOUS Liz and Jess are and 2)
what a PERFECT couple Liz and Todd are, in that order. But
moreover, even when I was in my deepest throes of I-want-a-boyfriend-itis,
I could never understand the appeal of Todd Wilkins. He was
SUCH a dork. A “connect the dots kiss,” Todd? Yerg.
“Ever the obliging boyfriend”? Yack. And beyond
THAT, I mean, HOW MANY TIMES COULD A “PERFECT” COUPLE
BREAK UP AND GET BACK TOGETHER? Good gravy! For a “perfect”
couple comprised of two “nice” people, Todd and
Liz sure do a lot of cheating on each other. Of course, it’s
all fraught with drama and they’re so TORN and HEARTWRENCHED
and all that, but… it all boils down to the same thing.
And again, doesn’t a little of that b.s. go a long way
for Poor, Dumb Teenage Girls?
Runner up: Steven and Cara. Once Cara became “good,”
her goodness had to be consecrated. What better way than to
date the Wakefields’ hunky big brother? Not only were
Steven and Cara totally boring, but the “best friend
dating brother” crap always bugged me.
Most Obvious Missing Element
Sex. For all the dating and making out and in-love couples
at SVH, there is not ONE mention of sex… or even third
base. I mean, a few times in the first few books, there’s
mention of a guy (usually Bruce Patman) going for a little
above-the-shirt boobie action. But the sex game just ends
at second base in Sweet Valley. When Jessica is all infatuated
with Bruce, before they even go out on a date, she’s
off in the bushes with him in her bathing suit; later Todd
mentions that Bruce is bragging that “he’s getting
whatever he wants from her … and whenever he wants it.”
But does that mean he’s getting blowjobs from Jess in
the back of the 1BRUCE1 Porsche? Ha. We’ll never know,
because there’s no mention of specifics; it’s
just kind of implied that there’s lots of making out/kissing
going on. When Jessica goes out with Danny Porter, for example,
she gushes to Liz that the front seat of his car “slides
back and reclines and… I don’t have to draw you
a picture, do I?” And then there’s “Easy Annie”…
again, it’s only implied that she makes out with/dates
a bunch of boys and wears short skirts… no mention of
any kind of sex at all. Ditto Betsy Martin. And hey, for a
long-term couple like Liz and Todd, there’s not even
the LEAST mention of physical intimacy or even heavy petting;
isn’t that One of the Biggest Issues in a high school
relationship… if to Do It and when? But nope, no mention
of sex in SVH. Even when Liz and Todd sneakily “play
house” so they can spend all their time together (SVH
# 102, Almost Married)? Man, they don’t even SLEEP
IN THE SAME BED much less mention sex! When Maria and Michael
or Lila and Jack or Sue and Jeremy are supposedly engaged
to be married, for pity’s sake, there’s no mention
of sex. When Mrs. Wakefield responds to Liz and Jess’s
pro-baby prattling (because they think Mrs. Wakefield is pregnant)
with “Which one of you is in trouble?” there’s
no mention of sex. When one or the other of the SVH gang is
discovered to be an out-of-wedlock child? Nope, no mention
of sex. When Steven and Cara elope, there’re a few clumsy
mentions of “…tonight” and uncomfortable feelings,
but it’s just a tacked-on mention of sex.
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